A You Magazine reader who said she wanted to leave her 86‑year‑old husband after 26 years together was told by agony aunt Caroline West‑Meads that she may be underestimating how controlling the relationship has been and that leaving with a plan for his care could be a responsible option.
The reader, who is 57, told West‑Meads that her husband has a high sex drive she finds repulsive, that he has become forgetful and may have dementia, and that he has long discouraged her from seeing friends and family, tracked her phone and imposed rules such as not allowing her to be home after 11 p.m. She said she looks after him as his mobility worsens, having bought him a mobility scooter and taken over household correspondence, and that she worried staying would make her ill. The exchange was published in You Magazine on Sept. 5, 2025.
West‑Meads challenged the reader's description of her husband as "a good man with a kind heart," saying the letter's details suggested controlling and bullying behaviour. She pointed to repeated examples the reader provided — phone tracking, curbs on social life, rules about being home late and pressure for sex — and said the large age gap between them when the relationship began may have contributed to a longstanding power imbalance.
While acknowledging the moral difficulty of leaving an elderly, unwell partner, West‑Meads wrote that staying in a relationship that is "controlling, manipulative or emotionally unhealthy" can damage a person's wellbeing. She advised that leaving is not the same as abandoning, and recommended planning for the husband's care if the reader chose to separate. West‑Meads suggested counselling through Relate (relate.org.uk) and contacting the Alzheimer's Society (alzheimers.org.uk) to explore the reader's concerns about dementia.
In a separate letter also addressed in the column, a reader who retrained after being a stay‑at‑home mother described resentment toward her in‑laws for treating her current part‑time job — which involves urgent cases — as unimportant. She said her mother‑in‑law, who has health issues, frequently asks her to drive to medical appointments and expects last‑minute changes that clash with her shifts.
West‑Meads commended the reader for retraining while raising a family and urged her to speak frankly with her husband about the need for his support in defending her time. She suggested exploring charity transport services such as the Royal Voluntary Service (royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk) or arranging taxis when necessary, and said that while in‑laws' opinions can be difficult to change, the reader should not let them erode her sense of self‑worth.
The column blends practical suggestions — counselling, support services and planning for care — with an emphasis on the reader's wellbeing and agency. Both letters raise recurring themes in advice columns: how to balance duty of care with personal health, how to address long‑standing power imbalances in relationships, and how partners can support each other's careers and responsibilities.
You Magazine's Agony Aunt column, written by Caroline West‑Meads, continues to field readers' personal dilemmas and offers resources and referrals alongside moral and practical guidance. The letters and replies were published online and updated on Sept. 5, 2025.