A couple who withdrew from an adoption after being told a prospective child might show signs of foetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) say they remain haunted after briefly sighting a teenager they believe could be the same boy.
In an account published under a pseudonym, the woman says she and her husband had been approved to adopt a baby but were informed days before a planned placement that the child’s foster carer and a paediatrician had raised concerns consistent with FASD. The couple say their social worker had not shared that information with them and that, after a sleepless night of deliberation, they told the agency they would not proceed.
The couple said the foster carer had called to express “very serious concerns” about the child’s development and growth charts and to warn the prospective parents that the paediatrician attached to the local authority had examined the infant multiple times. The social worker, the couple said, initially denied the child had been placed at risk and later acknowledged the paediatrician had noted indicators of FASD and that the child’s birth mother had a history of heavy drinking.
The couple, who had a biological daughter conceived through private in vitro fertilisation and several miscarriages, said they had been explicit during their assessment that they would not take a child with “complex needs,” including those associated with prenatal alcohol exposure. They told the newspaper they had been questioned at length during the two-year assessment process and felt the omission of the FASD concerns amounted to a breach of trust.
After the placement was called off, the woman said she and her husband grieved for the child, whom they had already begun to imagine as a sibling for their daughter. She wrote that, 15 years later, she briefly locked eyes with a supermarket worker wearing an ID badge that read "Tom," and recognised a resemblance to the toddler’s photograph she kept. The sighting reignited guilt and worry about what may have become of the child.
Foetal alcohol spectrum disorder is an umbrella term describing a range of possible cognitive, behavioural and physical problems caused by alcohol exposure in utero. Symptoms can include developmental delays, learning difficulties, behavioural challenges, and, in some cases, characteristic facial features and growth differences. Medical professionals say diagnosis can be complex because signs may not be evident in infancy and can emerge or be better understood as a child grows.
The couple’s account reflects tensions that can arise during adoption matches: prospective parents who set boundaries about the conditions they feel equipped to manage, foster carers and clinicians raising concerns about a child’s immediate needs, and social workers balancing placement pressures and the duty to disclose relevant information.
The woman’s narrative also referenced research from Adoption UK, which has reported that many adoptive families face significant challenges as children mature. According to the charity’s recent findings, about half of families with adopted children aged 13 to 25 say they are at “crisis point” or facing severe difficulties related to trauma, and 58 percent of adopted young adults accessed or attempted to access mental health services in the last year. The charity also found that 23 percent of adopted 16- to 25-year-olds were not in education, employment or training, nearly double the UK average. Adoption UK estimates that between 3 and 9 percent of adoptions may break down, though there is no single official figure.
The couple described a detailed vetting process, including interviews with extended family and even a school headteacher, that was part of their two-year assessment before they were cleared to adopt. They said the social worker questioned their family plans and scrutinised their lifestyle, and that couples frequently face intrusive lines of questioning as part of statutory suitability assessments. The couple said they felt intimidated by the social worker’s authority during the process and later felt that the worker had minimised or omitted medical concerns about the child.
Foster carers and local authority paediatricians are often the first to notice developmental or growth anomalies in infants in care, and their observations are typically used to inform multi-disciplinary assessments. The woman said the foster carer had asked that the prospective adoptive parents be told the truth “before you started to bond with him,” and that the foster carer had raised concerns with the adoption team weeks before contacting the couple.
The social worker’s alleged comments to the couple — that other children of the birth mother had not shown FASD and that there was nothing “concrete” to indicate the condition — are consistent with a cautious approach sometimes taken when conditions are suspected but not yet confirmed. The couple said the social worker became critical after they declined the placement, accusing them of being “middle-class cherry pickers,” an exchange the couple described as painful.
The published account does not include comment from the local authority or the social worker named in the article. The woman’s piece uses a pseudonym and states that identifying details have been changed. The story was published in a national newspaper that specialises in feature and first-person reporting on family life and social issues.
Adoption professionals say transparency about a child’s health and developmental risks is central to informed matching, but they also note that certainty about some conditions cannot always be established in infancy. Paediatric assessments can point to indicators of prenatal alcohol exposure, but definitive diagnoses frequently rely on a combination of medical history, observation over time and specialist input.
The couple told the newspaper they withdrew from the process and did not pursue further matches, citing the loss of trust. They said their daughter, then seven, briefly mourned the prospect of a sibling but quickly moved on. The woman wrote that she continues to think about what might have happened to the boy and that the supermarket sighting triggered a resurgence of guilt and unanswered questions about the child’s subsequent care and outcomes.
The narrative underscores broader debates about how and when authorities disclose health or developmental concerns to prospective adopters, how adoption agencies weigh the needs of children against placement timetables, and how adoptive families are supported when children show complex needs. Adoption UK and other charities have long called for increased resources and clearer pathways for families who adopt children with trauma-related or neurodevelopmental difficulties, and for improved training for professionals involved in early assessments.
The woman’s account is one of several personal narratives that highlight the emotional complexity of adoption decisions for prospective parents, and the long-term impact of those choices. It also illustrates the difficulties of making placement decisions when clinical indicators are uncertain, and the lasting effect on people who are involved on both sides of the adoption process.