Minor disagreements between partners, such as arguments over household chores, can often be traced back to more profound, unresolved emotional issues, according to psychologist Kim Polinder.
Polinder, who transitioned to a career in therapy after a decade as an IT engineer, posits that these everyday conflicts are not truly about the superficial issue at hand but are instead triggered by 'core wounds.' These core wounds are described as old emotional injuries, stemming from single traumatic events or patterns of neglect, that continue to influence present-day reactions.
"When we fight, we’re reacting to every moment in our past where we were being treated in the same way," Polinder explained. A seemingly small slight or comment can trigger an intense emotional response because it resonates with past experiences of hurt or rejection.
Polinder's own life experiences have informed her therapeutic approach. Abandoned as an infant in South Korea, she later experienced intensified anger and feelings of inadequacy when her adoptive parents brought home another adopted daughter. This led her to develop what she terms 'bad maths,' an attempt to make sense of the world and cope by calculating which behaviors lead to pain and which to reward. Examples include internalizing a sense of responsibility for a parent's happiness or feeling worthy only when achieving athletic success.
She illustrates this with client case studies, such as Maya, whose father's emotional withdrawal in childhood led her to feel intense rejection when her partner, Devin, doesn't immediately respond to a text. Conversely, Devin, who grew up with a critical mother, perceives Maya's requests for emotional connection as further evidence of his failure.
Polinder views conflict as a survival mechanism, where triggered responses are a reflection of perceived danger. Drawing from her engineering background, she frames conflict resolution not as a communication issue but as a 'regulation problem.' Her therapeutic method involves a systems-based, flowchart approach designed to break down emotional ruptures into manageable steps for repair. This method uses two key prompts: 'Do I feel understood?' and 'Find a solution.'
"It’s a clever device, casting emotional dysfunction in the language of systems and bugs," a review of her book, 'Why We Fight,' notes. The approach aims to provide readers with concrete tools to recognize and address their reactions mid-argument, helping to heal these deep-seated emotional wounds.
