A divorced mother of two is reliving her youth with the use of cocaine and MDMA, describing a new phase of life following her separation. She admits to not always being fully present for her children due to her drug use but contrasts her behavior with that of other mothers she perceives as oblivious due to alcohol consumption.
The woman, who grew up with an anti-drug stance due to cautionary tales, began experimenting with cocaine during her university years. This led to a period of regular weekend drug and alcohol use, including ecstasy and mushrooms, alongside vodka and prosecco, while she worked a job she found unfulfilling.
Her more intense drug use reportedly subsided when she met her husband, and she abstained from alcohol and drugs while trying to conceive and during her pregnancies. Now, at 42, with her children aged seven and four, her marriage has ended. She stated that her husband disliked her going out, and she felt a need to reclaim a part of her former self, separate from her identity as a mother and her unfulfilling career.
Her original friend, who introduced her to drugs years ago, remains in her life. The two now use cocaine and MDMA together, sometimes accompanied by champagne. The mother acknowledges that her situation is beginning to spiral and that her drug and alcohol use impacts her presence when her children are with her. She describes feeling like a "shell" and hungover when her ex-husband drops off the children.
She candidly admits that prioritizing her own need to unwind when her children are not with her means she is not always fully present when they are. However, she draws a comparison to other mothers she observes who are frequently on their phones, ignoring their children. She states she never gets lost in her phone when with her children.
The mother keeps her current drug use a secret from her ex-husband and family. She recounts an instance where she admitted to trying drugs to another parent, who reacted with horror, prompting her to downplay the experience. She also described many mothers at her children's school as having a judgmental, superior attitude, despite their similar socioeconomic backgrounds.
She expressed a wish to be more open about her methods of unwinding. While she regrets not being 100% present for her children at times, she notes that the other mothers also drink, often to excess, which she sees as hypocritical. She suggests that in an ideal world, no one would consume alcohol or drugs. For now, she sees no immediate end to her habits, asserting that she can love her children and still maintain her independence. She believes her private drug use does not make her a bad mother, especially when contrasted with society's acceptance of women having a glass of wine to relax. She feels the normalization of alcohol for unwinding contributes to the sense of superiority exhibited by some other mothers.