A mother has detailed a pivotal moment in her parenting journey when her 8-year-old daughter expressed suicidal thoughts, prompting a reevaluation of her approach to the child's severe anxiety and school refusal. The experience, which began after the daughter's parents separated when she was an infant, led to escalating behavioral challenges that impacted both mother and child.
Following her parents' separation and a contentious custody battle, the daughter began exhibiting anxiety around age 2, particularly when transitioning for her father's scheduled visits. This escalated by kindergarten into a refusal to attend school, often involving physical resistance. The mother followed professional advice to ensure the child entered the school building, despite hearing her daughter's intense distress.
Over four years, the daily struggle to get the child into school, or later, engaged with online learning, continued. The child's anger grew, leading to frequent outbursts that ranged from physical aggression to self-harming behaviors like punching herself and hitting her head against walls. The mother initially viewed these as misbehavior and attempted to counter them with force or by enlisting help from her husband and mother.
The turning point came in January 2022, when, during a particularly intense struggle to get her into school, the daughter repeatedly slammed her head into the seat in front of her and said, "I JUST WANT TO DIE!" This statement profoundly impacted the mother, who, having experienced loss to suicide herself, was horrified by the thought of her young child feeling this way.
Seeking immediate help, the mother contacted an emergency mobile crisis center. Clinicians from the center met them outside the school and spent over two hours talking with the daughter. This interaction helped the mother realize her daughter wasn't simply "behaving badly" but was trying to communicate distress through her actions.
The crisis team suggested the behavior could stem from severe anxiety, and the child became regulated after this intervention. Although the ER later evaluated the child and did not deem her a danger to herself, the mother, armed with a new perspective, decided against committing her to a mental health facility. Instead, she began to frame the child's struggles as an internal "boo-boo" that needed help to heal, similar to a broken bone.
This shift in perspective led the mother to stop fighting with her daughter and start fighting for her. She scheduled an emergency appointment with her daughter's psychiatrist, and they decided to start a mood stabilizer. With the support of mental health professionals and school staff, the daughter gradually improved, and her underlying personality began to re-emerge from the grip of anxiety.
The mother emphasizes that during a crisis, rationalization or punishment is ineffective. Instead, she found that compassion and calming reassurance were key to resolving outbursts more quickly. Once regulated, they could discuss the behavior and manage the anxiety together. The mother reports that her daughter now handles transitions more positively. She urges other parents to trust their intuition when questioning a child's behavior and seek professional advice, assuring them they are not alone in such struggles. experiences.
Amanda Bacon-Davis is the author of the children's book "This Thing Has A Name," which aims to help children and families identify and manage anxiety.