A recurring issue in relationships, the comfort that breeds a lack of consideration, has surfaced in a reader's plea to advice columnist Jane Green. The reader, identified as "Revolting Routine," expressed her dread of bedtime due to her husband's habit of passing loud and smelly gas just before they sleep. What he finds amusing, she finds "revolting" and has escalated to a point where she pushes him away when he attempts intimacy afterward, feigning tiredness.
A Stench in the Relationship
The reader admitted to finally telling her husband that his flatulence repulses her, but he dismissed her concerns, calling it "natural." This dismissal, she wrote, has created a wedge between them in the bedroom, leaving her at a loss for how to make him understand the impact of his actions.
Navigating Intimacy and Discomfort
Green, in her response, noted that while comfort is a sign of intimacy, it does not always equate to positive intimacy. She introduced the concept of a "secret garden"—a personal space not shared with a partner—to maintain intrigue. However, she emphasized that when a partner's actions cause distress and are ignored, a different approach is necessary.
Green recounted a personal experience where her ex-husband's persistent talk of moving to Florida, despite her opposition, led to a serious conversation about their marriage. She advised "Revolting Routine" to sit down with her husband for a calm but direct conversation, stating that his farting is not funny but repulsive. She further suggested setting a boundary: if the habit continues, she will cease sexual relations with him. Green warned that being diminished or mocked is a common reason women disengage from marriages.
Parental Disagreements on Financial Independence
The column also addressed a separate issue from "Furious Father," whose differing parenting styles with his wife have caused friction. While he advocates for their eldest son to be financially independent in college, covering his own expenses through work and loans, his wife prefers to support their son, even sending him money for groceries behind his back.
This financial disparity emerged after the parents informed their son that they would no longer be financially supporting him. The father discovered his wife's actions through a text message and a review of their bank account, viewing it as a betrayal that undermines their united front.
A Mother's Instinct vs. Parental Authority
Green acknowledged the difficulty of conflicting parenting styles but also expressed understanding for a mother's desire to ease her child's burdens. She shared a story about secretly paying for her daughter's car repairs after her husband refused. Green stressed the importance of instilling a work ethic but argued that occasional help is permissible, allowing children to focus on studies and enjoy college years without the full weight of adult financial responsibilities.
She urged "Furious Father" to reframe his wife's actions not as a betrayal but as a mother's attempt to alleviate her child's hardships. Green concluded that while children are in college, still navigating life and facing significant expenses, a mother's prerogative to support them as she sees fit is understandable.