A reader, identified as Luke, has reached out to columnist Bel Mooney for guidance on managing a lingering fantasy about a former colleague. The situation, as described by Luke, began a few years ago when he developed a crush on a colleague at a college where he worked. Despite their professional proximity, the colleague maintained a distant demeanor, rarely engaging in more than brief conversations.
Luke's contract ended, and he moved to a new job, partly due to the colleague's perceived coldness. Before leaving, he offered his contact information, but the colleague never reached out, a situation Luke initially perceived as a painful rejection. However, he states he eventually moved past it.
The fantasy resurfaced when Luke encountered the colleague's profile on a dating app. He noted a perceived decline in the colleague's appearance, which he admitted brought a sense of satisfaction. Both, he observed, swiped left on each other, indicated by the app's lack of notification.
Luke expresses frustration that the fantasy persists, citing their shared profession, age, and interests as indicators of potential compatibility. He speculates about the colleague's personal life, noting his religious background and employment at a faith school, suggesting he might be closeted or living discreetly. The vagueness of the colleague's dating profile further fueled Luke's introspection.
In her response, Mooney addresses the nature of Luke's feelings, labeling them a 'fantasy.' She questions the perception of rejection and mistreatment, pointing out the colleague's consistent lack of overt interest. Mooney suggests that Luke may be projecting his own desires onto the situation and that the colleague's indifference was not necessarily an act of hostility but simply a lack of reciprocal interest.
Mooney also notes a 'malice' in Luke's description of finding the colleague 'the worse for wear' and his comparison of their appearances. She encourages Luke to acknowledge the unreality of his fantasy, highlighting that both individuals 'swiped left,' signifying mutual dismissal. The advice given is to move on, focus on his own life, and forget about a connection that never materialized.