A reader seeking advice from Dear Abby is struggling to care for their widowed mother alone and has urged their brothers to step up and share the responsibility. The reader's father passed away three months prior, leaving their mother alone for the first time in her life. The reader and their spouse have been providing significant support, including frequent visits, check-in calls, and assistance with legal matters following the father's death.
Despite the mother's difficulties adjusting, which include forgetting to eat or dress without reminders, and the reader's efforts to secure professional help like counseling and in-home assistance, there are waiting lists for these services. The reader, who is also mourning their father, finds the situation overwhelming and feels their brothers are not contributing.
One brother lives in the next town, and the other is a couple of hours away. Neither has visited their mother since the funeral, and they reportedly do not call her often. The reader, being the eldest, notes that their brothers are accustomed to them taking charge but emphasizes that the current situation requires more than one person can handle. While the brothers express a willingness to help and the reader has assigned specific tasks, they have not followed through.
The reader describes their brothers as successful individuals with good jobs and families and cannot understand their lack of involvement, suggesting they may still perceive their mother as the primary caregiver rather than acknowledging the role reversal. The reader is seeking a way to ensure their brothers share the burden of responsibility.
Dear Abby, whose real name is Jeanne Phillips, advised the reader that if their brothers are unwilling to dedicate time, they could contribute financially. This could cover the cost of a caregiver or companion for household chores and grief or psychological counseling for the mother. Abby suggested that proposing these financial contributions might encourage the brothers to increase their personal involvement with their mother.
In a separate query, another reader, identified as TIRED, expressed frustration with supporting a boyfriend of 14 years and his mother, who constantly requests items like cigarettes, soft drinks, and food. The reader stated they have no extra money and cannot continue to finance the pair. Dear Abby advised TIRED that both the boyfriend and his mother appear to be "deadbeats" and recommended that the reader leave the relationship, find their own place, and block their calls, suggesting that they could find a better partner or choose to live independently.