Columnist Abby Van Buren recently advised a woman, identified as a counselor, whose husband consistently avoids taking responsibility for his mental health challenges and personal problems. The wife reported that her husband has struggled with depression and anxiety for the 10 years they have been married.
Despite multiple attempts at therapy, the husband reportedly disengages whenever the sessions focus on what he needs to address. He often claims a lack of understanding from others. This behavior has had a significant impact on his life, affecting his sleep, eating habits, and his relationship with his wife, which she described as controlling. He also engages in excessive exercise, dedicating as much as five hours a day to it.
The man's issues have also influenced his professional life, leading to frequent absences from work for which he claims he needs rest, though he reportedly engages in other activities instead. When his wife suggests he adhere to a regular work schedule, he becomes angry and accuses his employer of targeting him. The wife noted that he never accepts fault, always offering an excuse.
She expressed concern about the toll this has taken on their marriage and their two children, who miss their father's presence. As a counselor herself, the wife identified narcissistic tendencies in her husband's behavior. While she loves him and acknowledges he hasn't always been this way, she feels she cannot continue living in the current circumstances and needs to ensure her children can lead healthy lives.
Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, advised the wife that she cannot help someone who refuses to seek help. She recommended that the wife prioritize her children's welfare by issuing an ultimatum: her husband must seek and commit to treatment, or she will leave with the children. Van Buren also suggested the wife seek emotional support for herself.
In a separate query, a reader named Briefly from Delaware asked for advice on how to politely decline invitations for trips from a friend. The reader enjoys her friend's company but finds extended periods together challenging due to differing personalities and belief systems. Van Buren suggested telling the friend that while she loves spending time with her, long trips away from home make her anxious, without needing further explanation.