Dear Abby, a long-running advice column penned by Jeanne Phillips, recently addressed a reader's struggle to learn details surrounding the death of an estranged friend and another's discomfort with birthday celebrations.
The first query came from a reader identified as "Cared for Him in the South," who learned that a friend of 30 years, "Ben," had died a year prior, approximately 50 years old. The reader, who had not spoken to Ben for three years following a dispute, was never informed of his passing. An online obituary did not list a cause of death, and attempts to contact Ben's wife to express condolences resulted in a returned letter and the discovery that she had moved.
"Cared" expressed a desire to understand what happened to Ben, citing their long friendship and the reader's continued care for him. The reader found Ben's wife's Facebook page but felt it was an impersonal way to approach such a sensitive topic. Dear Abby advised that if mutual friends existed, they might be a private avenue to gather information, including the widow's whereabouts. Abby cautioned against approaching the wife online for details about the death, deeming it insensitive given their estrangement.
Another reader, "Older in Israel," wrote about an upcoming 63rd birthday. The reader stated a lifelong aversion to celebrating birthdays and a preference for the day to be ignored. Despite this, the reader's wife and sons were reportedly planning a celebration. "Older" expressed concern about causing ill will by voicing his feelings but also his desire for the money spent on the celebration to be donated to charity or used by the family.
Dear Abby suggested that "Older's" wife, having been married for nearly four decades, likely knew of his feelings. Abby recommended gently informing her of the plans and expressing a preference for a small celebration, naming a preferred charity for the budgeted funds. Should a large celebration proceed, Abby advised enduring it with grace, reminding the reader that the event stems from love.
In a separate matter, a reader named "Crushing in Illinois" confessed to developing a crush on a co-worker of four years, despite being married. The reader stated no intention of pursuing the feelings, as cheating conflicts with their morals, but felt guilt over experiencing the crush. Dear Abby reassured "Crushing" that the guilt is a positive sign, preventing a potential mistake, and noted that such crushes typically diminish over time.
The column also included a seasonal greeting, wishing readers of the Jewish faith a happy Rosh Hashanah and acknowledging the period of repentance and reflection.
Dear Abby is written by Jeanne Phillips, daughter of the column's founder, Pauline Phillips, who began the advice feature in 1956. Phillips has been writing the column for nearly 40 years.