For years, the author associated female friendship with alcohol, noting that her relationship with her best friend was inextricably linked to her consumption of alcohol. She recounts drinking a bottle of wine nightly for a decade, a habit that only revealed its impact on her friendships when she decided to quit drinking.
The author and her best friend, Kate, met in primary school and became inseparable. Their bond deepened as the author's parents' marriage collapsed, and Kate's family offered her a sense of stability. While they initially maintained their friendship despite attending different schools, the availability of alcohol later became a central element of their interactions.
During their teenage years in the late Nineties and early Noughties, heavy drinking was often framed as a symbol of female empowerment and equality. The author and Kate, like many of their peers, embraced this culture, often drinking to excess. This pattern continued through university and into their early adult lives, with alcohol serving as a constant companion through various life stages.
While both friends drank, the author notes that the consequences of alcohol affected her more profoundly. She describes drinking for a "dark release of my demons," whereas her friend drank for "light and fun." Alcohol, she found, accelerated the process of sharing deep secrets and fostered a sense of emotional connection, leading to a belief in shared experiences and reciprocity. However, she now views this as a "trick mirror," where true self-understanding is obscured.
By her late teens, the author recognized she was struggling with alcoholism, though she initially resisted the label. While her friends might recover from a night of drinking and go to work, she found herself incapacitated by depression and physical symptoms like shaking hands. This led to lost jobs and self-respect, and ultimately, the erosion of many friendships.
Kate, her close friend, became exasperated, suggesting the author was exaggerating her issues and did not have a "drink problem." The author felt this dynamic mirrored their childhood relationship, where Kate's family had supported her. However, a shift occurred when the author decided to attend her first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Quitting alcohol also meant distancing herself from Kate. Announcing her sobriety felt akin to asking for a divorce, and Kate questioned why she couldn't just drink occasionally. During the first year of sobriety, the author experienced the pain of losing her old self and her friendship. At social events, Kate would remark that the author "used to be such fun," a comment that, while perhaps not intended maliciously, highlighted the growing distance between them.
The author observed Kate drinking champagne at her wedding from across the room, symbolizing their diverging paths. She couldn't pinpoint a single moment when the friendship ended, but their lives in recovery moved in different directions. Arrangements shifted from frequent contact to occasional dinners, and eventually, the connection faded entirely.
Over 15 years of sobriety, the author has come to accept that some friendships, particularly those heavily founded on alcohol, cannot survive the transition to sobriety. She acknowledges that for some, sobriety can be perceived as a betrayal or an implicit criticism of their own habits.
However, she has also found that not all friendships are affected in this way. Old friends recall a different version of her when she drank, while new friends made through motherhood did not question her sobriety. The author reflects that her friend Kate might not recognize the person she is today, acknowledging that people change over time.