A growing number of adults are choosing to sever ties with their families, a trend attributed to a greater focus on mental health, evolving societal norms, and the normalization of discussing difficult family dynamics. This phenomenon, often termed estrangement, is becoming more common, with research suggesting a significant portion of the population has experienced or is experiencing such separations.
Richard Carnaby, an actor and writer, made the decision to cut contact with his parents and older brother at the age of 42. He felt his life improved significantly after this decision, even changing his surname. Carnaby described a childhood where he felt pitted against his brother, a dynamic that culminated in a physical altercation and his realization that the family's patterns would not change. "Without being dramatic, my life became instantly better without them all in it," he stated.
Dr. Becca Bland, founder of Stand Alone, a UK organization supporting estranged individuals, notes that while adult children initiate these separations, parents often play a role by not addressing the issues that lead to estrangement. Bland's own experience of estrangement from her family in her mid-twenties informed her decision to found the organization, recognizing the stigma that previously surrounded such discussions.
Psychologist and author Dr. Joshua Coleman suggests that changing social mores in Western societies, which prioritize individual happiness and personal growth, contribute to this trend. He notes that "protecting my mental health" has become a primary rationale for younger generations. Therapy also plays a role, with therapists sometimes acting as "detachment brokers" who help individuals detach from feelings of duty and obligation to pursue personal ideals. However, Coleman also cautions that this freedom can remove safeguards that previously encouraged family members to work through issues.
This perspective is echoed by trauma recovery coach Debi Richens, who observes that some adult children, encouraged by therapists, may walk away without attempting adult conversations about their grievances. Richens emphasizes that parents often lack awareness of their children's feelings, hindering any potential for rectification.
Coleman, who has personal experience as the recipient of estranged contact from his own daughter, acknowledges that both parents and children can become entrenched in grievances. His daughter, now 43, cut contact in her early twenties following his divorce and remarriage, feeling replaced by younger half-siblings. Coleman eventually took responsibility for his part in the estrangement, leading to their reconciliation.
Natalie Walker, a local government worker, ceased contact with her mother three years ago after years of attempting to address hurtful behavior. She described her mother as emotionally cold and volatile, citing incidents such as her mother missing her wedding dress shopping. The birth of Natalie's own child further highlighted the unacceptability of her mother's behavior, leading to the decision for no contact.
While social media discussions and celebrity instances like the Beckham or Prince Harry family rifts bring attention to estrangement, Bland asserts that the fundamental reasons for family breakdowns—such as changes in family life and childhood resentments—remain constant. The increased conversation around the topic, however, has helped normalize it. Many estrangements are temporary, with studies indicating high rates of eventual reconciliation, though some remain on-again, off-again. Richard Carnaby, for instance, has recently re-established contact with his parents due to their ill health, though he maintains a distant relationship.