A sex therapist is offering guidance to men on improving their understanding and practice of consent in relationships. Drawing from personal experience and his professional work, Eric FitzMedrud emphasizes four key points he wishes more men understood.
Pressure Stifles Desire
FitzMedrud notes that expressing feelings of rejection or resentment when a partner declines sex can create significant pressure, negatively impacting intimacy. He explains that when men struggle to regulate their emotional responses to rejection, the emotional consequences for their partner can taint future sexual invitations. This dynamic leaves no room for a partner's own desire, as the focus becomes solely on the man's unmet needs.
The Nuance of 'Yes'
The absence of a "no" does not equate to an enthusiastic "yes." FitzMedrud addresses the concern that discussing consent might interrupt sexual flow, arguing that feelings of hurt and violation are far more disruptive. While consent communication may initially feel awkward, he suggests that with practice, it can become a natural and even arousing part of sexual interaction, enhancing the experience and building trust.
Avoiding Defensiveness
FitzMedrud stresses the importance of men avoiding defensiveness, even if they believe themselves to be "good guys." He points out that women's fear of men is often rooted in the pervasiveness of male violence or threats, or proximity to such experiences. If a partner's past trauma is inadvertently triggered, FitzMedrud advises acknowledging the mistake, apologizing, and adjusting behavior rather than becoming defensive. He shares an anecdote where he inadvertently triggered a former partner's fears but de-escalated the situation by acknowledging his error and apologizing, which ultimately led to her thanking him for helping her feel safer.
Consent as Self-Protection
FitzMedrud argues that consent is also a crucial tool for men's self-protection. He recounts opening his own marriage and learning to use consent to safeguard his own heart. By saying "no thank you" to an advance from someone whose relationship dynamics created unease, he protected himself. Only after engaging in thorough consent conversations did he feel comfortable pursuing a sexual relationship, knowing he could revert to "no" if the situation ceased to feel right. He concludes that consent is not solely about seeking a partner's permission but about fostering mutual respect, self-awareness, and the capacity for healthier relationships for all individuals involved.