Arguments can often escalate when individuals become defensive, a reaction that therapists suggest can stem from a deep desire to be a good partner, friend, or employee. This underlying care can create a fear of "getting it wrong," leading to a defensive stance.
During disagreements, defensiveness often fosters a sense of certainty – the belief that one is unequivocally right and the other is wrong. The focus then shifts to convincing the other person, inadvertently diminishing attention to their perspective. Therapists propose an alternative approach: trading certainty for curiosity. Rather than trying to think faster to formulate a better rebuttal, the suggestion is to become curious sooner about the other person's viewpoint.
Drawing a parallel to improvisational theater, one therapist explains that "blocking" occurs when a scene partner rejects a premise, effectively halting the progression of the interaction. This mirrors defensiveness in arguments, where individuals can negate each other's realities. The key to moving past this is not to accelerate one's own thinking but to actively engage with and explore the other person's perspective, aiming to repair the conversation rather than win the argument.