The dynamics that draw individuals into cults are not unique to those high-control groups and can also manifest in toxic romantic relationships, according to experts. The underlying mechanism is coercive control, a pattern of behavior used to gradually strip away a person's autonomy and control their choices, relationships, perceptions, and sense of self.
While not every unhealthy relationship involves coercive control, the parallels become stronger when one person gains increasing dominance over another. Survivors of both cults and toxic relationships often report remarkably similar experiences.
Meeting a Need
Both cults and toxic relationships often begin by addressing a genuine need in a way that initially seems harmless or even beneficial. Individuals are not typically aware they are surrendering their autonomy. Instead, they are drawn in by promises of meaning, love, hope, stability, or excitement. This entry point can be the allure of new ideas or beliefs that fill a void in someone's life, whether it's finding a trusted partner, achieving financial security, or attaining inner peace.
Love Bombing and Promises of Certainty
A common tactic is "love bombing," characterized by an intense concentration of attention, affection, praise, and validation. This creates a rapid sense of connection, making the individual feel special, seen, and chosen. While genuine enthusiasm in a new relationship is not inherently problematic, love bombing becomes a concern when it's used to foster dependency or gain control. This accelerated pace can also serve to distract from or dilute red flags that might otherwise be apparent.
Beyond the initial rush, individuals may be offered a promise of certainty, such as assurance about an afterlife, one's life purpose, or the idea that a partner is "the one." This can foster a sense of safety, trust, and community.
Isolation and Control
Isolation from friends and family is a key tactic. Support networks are crucial for reality-checking, and cults or controlling partners may subtly or explicitly encourage targets to sever ties. This can involve discouraging contact with "outsiders" or family members who question the group, or a controlling partner criticizing friends, creating conflict around family interactions, or monitoring communications. As the individual's world shrinks and becomes centered on the group or partner, they become more dependent and leaving becomes more difficult.
The control often extends to everyday life, encompassing not only social interactions but also finances, activities, and even personal choices like clothing. This process aims to destroy the target's confidence, financial resources, and external connections, creating total reliance on the controller.
Walking on Eggshells and Eroding Self-Trust
Individuals in these situations may learn to monitor their own behavior to keep the leader or partner happy, fearing that dissent, doubts, or critical questions will be punished as betrayal. This can lead to a constant state of "walking on eggshells." Over time, this environment erodes self-trust, causing individuals to question their own instincts, perceptions, and memories. Gaslighting, where information is manipulated and facts are denied or rewritten, plays a significant role in making victims doubt their own sanity.
Trauma Bonds
The cycle of tension, abuse, and subsequent relief or reaffirmation can create a powerful biochemical and psychological bond known as a trauma bond. In these dynamics, the source of pain and threat also becomes the perceived source of safety. This makes leaving feel terrifying and nearly impossible, as the brain becomes accustomed to relying on the controller for both distress and relief. Ironically, these controlling dynamics are often framed as pathways to freedom from worry, pain, or external obstacles, all while actual freedom is being systematically removed.