Serial infidelity may stem from deeper psychological issues rather than a simple desire for more sexual partners, according to New York psychotherapist and sex therapist Chamin Ajjan. Ajjan suggests that habitual cheating can be driven by compulsive behaviors, unresolved trauma, and an attempt to regulate painful emotions.
"There might be underlying trauma, and they might be using sex as a way to numb past childhood trauma or the pain that they've experienced in the past," Ajjan stated. "It's more of an act of regulation and a way to calm their nervous system, and it's less about pleasure."
A key distinction between someone who has a one-time affair and a serial cheater lies in their response after being discovered. While an individual who has committed an isolated infidelity often expresses immediate remorse, a serial cheater might minimize the impact of their actions, blame their partner, or express more regret about being caught than for the betrayal itself. Some serial cheaters may also feel entitled to the experience or become addicted to the excitement associated with clandestine affairs.
Ajjan noted that the forbidden nature of the act itself can be part of the allure for some individuals, and there may be a neurochemical component involved. "They have a higher reward sensitivity, meaning that they're chasing dopamine, and the behavior - the sexual indiscretion is more like a neurobiological itch that they were struggling to inhibit," she explained. "They're just really having a difficult time managing."
Changes in behavior can be an early indicator of infidelity. These shifts are not always negative; while some individuals may become distant or argumentative, others might exhibit increased attentiveness, showering their partner with gifts and affection as a form of guilt compensation. "It's a complete shift in the level of affection. So, all of a sudden, they are showering you with gifts. Or they're intensely, overly affectionate, or giving you strange or unusual compliments," Ajjan said.
Unexpected alterations in a couple's sexual dynamic can also signal infidelity. This might manifest as a sudden loss of interest in intimacy, or conversely, a surge in sexual activity. "Your therapy senses are activated when a couple who has had a pretty regular, sexual, or intimate routine [and] there's a sharp change in that," Ajjan observed. "They, all of a sudden, have intense sexual energy out of nowhere, or they're using new sexual moves or techniques. Or showing preferences in things that they never were interested in before, without it being a conversation that you're having."
Another subtle warning sign can be an unexplained personality shift. A partner who was previously easygoing might become overly critical, initiating arguments over minor issues or constantly pointing out flaws. Ajjan explained that this behavior can create emotional distance, potentially allowing the unfaithful partner to justify their actions by shifting blame to their significant other.
Infidelity is a common reason for individuals seeking therapy. Ajjan stated that she often works with individuals trying to understand why they were betrayed, rather than couples attempting to repair their relationship together. She also highlighted that definitions of cheating vary, with some individuals being more distressed by emotional affairs or "micro-cheating"—developing intimate emotional connections online—than by physical infidelity.
"It's not for me to tell the client what is and what is not cheating. It's for me to help them understand how the behavior has impacted them," Ajjan said. "I could see how each one of those behaviors can be damaging. Damaging to a sense of self, damaging to the relationship. And there are some people who have a partner who's cheating physically, and to them, it doesn't impact them."
Discovering an affair does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. Ajjan has witnessed couples emerge stronger after addressing the underlying issues that contributed to the betrayal. Her practice suggests "temporary transparency" as an initial step, which may involve open device policies, location sharing, and increased communication about daily routines during the trust-rebuilding process. However, she cautioned against making these measures permanent surveillance.
Ajjan believes that understanding the root causes of infidelity is crucial for relationship repair. "The indiscretion didn't come out of nowhere, and it's not necessarily about the partner, it's about some kind of internal struggle that the client is dealing with, so spending time to understand what that connection gave the partner, what needs were being felt [and] filled by it."
She encourages those affected by infidelity to seek support, whether through individual therapy or community resources. "As somebody who sees this happen all the time, don't suffer in silence. It can feel very shameful to have your partner cheat on you, but it's happened to more people than we know about, because people aren't talking about it, so look for your support," Ajjan advised. "Get the support you need, whether that's individual therapy, or whether it's just you're within your community. Talk to people, and be open to the possibility, if you want, to repair your relationship, and your partner wants to repair your relationship. It is possible, it's not easy, but it is possible."