In her advice column, Bel Mooney addresses two letters from readers grappling with significant life transitions and relationship challenges. One letter, from a woman identified as Rosemary, details a marriage that has grown stale after their children left home and the couple relocated.
Rosemary describes a lack of companionship with her husband, Tom, who she feels prioritizes his new-found passion for golf over their shared life. She notes that their move to a new area was a compromise to avoid conflict with Tom's son from a previous marriage, a compromise he initially resisted. Rosemary expresses that her husband's retirement seems to have been focused on him rather than them as a couple. She attempts to communicate her dissatisfaction, but these conversations often lead to arguments. Mooney suggests that Rosemary's past animosity towards her stepson may be a contributing factor to the current marital discord.
Mooney advises Rosemary to use "I" or "We" statements when communicating her feelings to her husband, shifting from complaints to suggestions. She also encourages Rosemary to find her own interests and social outlets, perhaps through volunteering or joining a local group, to bring new experiences into her life and potentially involve her husband.
The second letter comes from Darren, who is experiencing anxiety about becoming a father after nearly nine years with his girlfriend. Despite having a stable life with a good job, a home, and supportive families, Darren feels a sense of dread when asked about starting a family. He contrasts this feeling with his genuine affection for his sister's children and the positive reactions he sees in other fathers. Darren questions whether his unease stems from ordinary nerves or deeper doubts about his relationship and the potential for their routine to worsen after a child arrives.
Bel Mooney reassures Darren that his fears are a common human reaction to significant life changes and are not unique to him. She shares her own initial apprehension about her first pregnancy, emphasizing that the initial anxiety often gives way to fulfillment. Mooney suggests that the couple should try to reintroduce excitement and novelty into their relationship, perhaps by revisiting frivolous activities from their past or planning a romantic outing. She also advises Darren to consider the practicalities, such as involving the grandmothers in childcare discussions, to assert his agency in the situation.
In a separate reflection, Mooney touches upon the popular phrase 'it is what it is,' discussing its historical roots and philosophical implications. She notes that while often used as a modern expression of acceptance, the sentiment of acknowledging and accepting circumstances as they are dates back to at least the 14th century with King Edward III and even earlier in Buddhist philosophy. Mooney posits that while it can be seen as passive, it can also represent a form of realistic acceptance when change is truly impossible.