A woman is seeking advice on whether her husband's claim of pornography addiction is a valid excuse for his infidelity, while also grappling with doubts about her own marriage after witnessing a high-profile celebrity relationship.
In a letter to columnist Jana Hocking, the woman, identified as 'Questioning Everything,' revealed that her husband of 14 years confessed to an affair with someone he met on a kink app. He claims the infidelity stemmed from a pornography addiction, which he says rewired his brain for novelty, leading him to seek real-life thrills. He is reportedly attending therapy and a recovery group.
"Part of me wants to believe him because he's never lied to me before," the letter reads. "The other part thinks this is the most convenient excuse I've ever heard. Plenty of people watch porn without ending up in someone else's bed."
Hocking acknowledged that pornography addiction is recognized by some clinicians as a compulsive behavior but stressed that it does not negate free will. "Addiction can explain behavior, but it doesn't give someone an automatic 'get out of jail free' card," Hocking wrote. She explained that the husband's actions—downloading an app, creating a profile, chatting, arranging a meeting, and attending—demonstrate a series of conscious, pre-meditated choices.
"Porn may have lit the fuse, but it didn't drive him to the other woman's house," Hocking stated. She noted that while some individuals develop a tolerance to pornography, leading them to seek more extreme content, this does not excuse infidelity.
Hocking advised the letter writer to focus on her husband's actions rather than his words, particularly his consistent rebuilding of trust over time. She also cautioned against accepting his explanation without critical assessment, noting that seeking treatment after being caught can be seen as damage control. "Crying isn't proof of real change - anyone can turn on the waterworks," she added.
The same letter also touched on the impact of celebrity romances on personal relationships. The writer mentioned feeling sad after watching coverage of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's relationship, comparing it to her own six-year marriage. She expressed concern that she may have settled, as her marriage lacks the overt adoration she observed in the celebrity couple.
Responding to this concern, Hocking reassured the writer that it's understandable to feel pressure about marriage timelines. She encouraged her to focus on when the couple stopped noticing each other, rather than dwelling on whether she settled. Hocking suggested direct communication, advising the wife to tell her husband that she no longer feels admired and misses feeling like his partner. "Every woman deserves to feel admired by the person she comes home to," Hocking wrote. She emphasized that while celebrity relationships present a polished image, the core desire for adoration is universal. "We all want to feel adored by the person we love. I don't think that's asking for too much."