Arguments are a normal part of most relationships, but consistently ignoring underlying issues can be detrimental, according to couples therapist Emma Kenny.
Kenny identifies several common relationship pitfalls she observes in her practice and provides guidance on how couples can navigate them.
Assumption and Lack of Curiosity
One significant issue is when couples stop being curious about each other and begin to assume they know what their partner thinks, feels, or intends. Kenny advises replacing accusatory statements like "You always do this" with questions that encourage understanding, such as, "Help me understand what was happening for you when that happened." She notes that curiosity lowers conflict, while accusation often leads to defensiveness.
Ignoring Deeper Issues
Conflicts often arise over seemingly superficial matters like chores, money, or parenting, but Kenny suggests these can symbolize deeper emotions. For instance, arguments about housework might represent feeling unappreciated or unsupported. Her recommendation is to name the underlying emotion, shifting from "You never help around the house" to "I feel really alone and unsupported, and I’m starting to feel resentful."
Delayed Conflict and Miscommunication
Kenny warns against the idea that keeping the peace is always kind, as it can lead to a "delayed explosion" when feelings are eventually bottled up and erupt over minor incidents. She advocates for constructive communication, encouraging couples to address issues when they are small and manageable. Additionally, she differentiates between mere talking and genuine communication, where partners truly listen without immediately preparing a defense. "That does not mean you agree with everything being said," Kenny explains, "It means you are willing to understand the emotional truth of what your partner is experiencing."
Prioritizing Intimacy and Emotional Safety
Intimacy extends beyond sexual relations to include affection, eye contact, laughter, and small kindnesses that make a partner feel seen. Kenny stresses the importance of intentionality in maintaining long-term relationships, suggesting thoughtful texts or screen-free quality time as ways to foster connection. Emotional safety is presented as the foundation of a healthy relationship; when partners feel mocked, dismissed, or criticized, they tend to withdraw. Rebuilding emotional safety involves making the relationship a space where honesty is not perceived as a threat, and where sarcasm and point-scoring are dialed down in favor of accountability.
Seeking Help Promptly
Kenny advises couples against waiting too long before seeking help, noting that many arrive in therapy when the relationship is already in a critical state. She suggests that therapy should be viewed as a maintenance tool for healthy conversations rather than a last resort before separation. The healthiest couples, she asserts, are not those without conflict, but those who consistently choose to repair their relationship.