Arguments are an inevitable part of most relationships, but consistently failing to address underlying issues can be detrimental, according to couples therapist Emma Kenny.
Kenny, a registered psychology expert, has identified several common pitfalls that couples encounter and offered advice on how to overcome them. One significant issue is the cessation of curiosity between partners. "One of the biggest relationship killers is assumption," Kenny stated. "Couples start believing they already know what the other person thinks, feels, means or intends." This lack of inquiry can foster resentment. The solution, she suggests, is to "get curious." Instead of accusatory statements like "You always do this," Kenny recommends posing questions such as, "Help me understand what was happening for you when that happened." Curiosity, she explained, de-escalates conflict, whereas accusation often leads to defensiveness.
Another frequent problem is ignoring the core issue behind arguments. Couples often cite surface-level disagreements about chores, finances, or parenting, but Kenny notes that these are rarely the true source of conflict. For instance, an argument about dishes might symbolize a deeper feeling of being taken for granted. Kenny advises couples to "stop fighting about the object and start naming the emotion." This means shifting from "You never help around the house" to "I feel really alone and unsupported, and I’m starting to feel resentful." This approach aims to name the underlying emotion, creating a more constructive path for resolution.
Kenny also highlighted the danger of not addressing issues early. "A lot of people think keeping the peace is kind. It is not always kind. Sometimes it is just a delayed explosion," she warned. Suppressing feelings can lead to them erupting over minor incidents. Her advice is "constructive communication," encouraging individuals to speak up while issues are still manageable. Healthy relationships, she clarified, are not those without disagreement, but those where conflict is constructively navigated without allowing resentment to fester.
Furthermore, Kenny pointed out the difference between talking and genuine communication. Many couples engage in constant conversation that involves criticism, correction, defensiveness, and interruptions, rather than true dialogue. The key to effective communication, according to Kenny, is to "learn to listen without immediately preparing a defence." This involves understanding the emotional truth of a partner's experience, not necessarily agreeing with their every point.
Intimacy, Kenny stressed, extends beyond sexual relations to include affection, eye contact, laughter, and small kindnesses. She observed that life's logistics can easily sideline emotional connection, turning relationships into "management meetings." To counter this, Kenny advocates for intentionality, stating, "Long-term love needs intention." She suggests simple actions like sending a thoughtful text or spending screen-free time together, emphasizing that consistent small efforts are more impactful than grand gestures.
Emotional safety is presented as the foundation of a healthy relationship. When individuals feel mocked, dismissed, or criticized, they may stop sharing, a common occurrence in long-term partnerships. Rebuilding this safety requires making the relationship a space where honesty is not perceived as a threat. Kenny advises dialing down sarcasm and score-keeping and increasing accountability.
Finally, Kenny addressed the issue of seeking help too late. Many couples wait years before seeking therapy, often when the relationship is already in a critical state. She views therapy not as a last resort but as a form of maintenance for healthy conversations. Her counsel is to "choose to get help sooner rather than later," emphasizing that the healthiest couples are not perfect but are those who consistently choose to repair their relationships.