A significant portion of married Americans are experiencing a decline in sexual intimacy, with research indicating that nearly one in three married adults reported having no sex in the past 12 months. This trend is discussed by Dr. Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist, who also provides strategies for couples to re-establish a connection.
According to data from the General Social Survey, conducted by NORC at the University of Chicago, 32.5% of married respondents stated they had not had sex at all in the preceding year. In contrast, only 4.1% reported engaging in sexual activity more than three times a week. Elton defines a "sexless marriage" as one where couples are intimate 10 or fewer times per year, noting that the national average for married individuals is about once a week.
Elton suggests that several factors can contribute to a decrease in marital intimacy, including the demands of family life and hormonal changes. However, she emphasizes that often, the initial spark in the relationship has simply faded.
Rekindling Connection
To address a decline in intimacy, Elton recommends starting with a positive focus on the relationship. She advises couples to consciously identify and share positive aspects of their partnership, which can help counteract built-up resentments and foster emotional connection. This exercise aims to shift the relationship's climate away from routine logistical or negative conversations.
"When they started checking in, expressing gratitude, it actually shifted the climate of the relationship," Elton said, noting that she has observed many women who lose desire due to stress and a perceived loss of connection with their partner.
Intentional time together is also crucial, Elton stated, especially in an era where digital distractions are prevalent. She suggests making time for partners rather than for devices, recommending activities like a dedicated "tech-free" night to encourage reconnection.
Reintroducing Fun and Flirtation
Elton also highlights the importance of reintroducing fun into a relationship, observing that its absence is a common issue for couples struggling with intimacy. She proposes an "A-to-Z date nights" exercise, where couples plan activities corresponding to each letter of the alphabet for their dates. Examples include axe-throwing or visiting an art gallery for 'A', or bowling or a beach trip for 'B'.
"M is my favorite – movie and massage," Elton shared. "My husband picks a movie; I get a massage. I pick a movie and still get a massage ... This definitely helps to bring back that connection, and also novelty brings desire back to couples."
Flirting, which often diminishes in long-term relationships, is another area Elton encourages couples to revive. She suggests creating a "new language of flirting" to help rekindle erotic intentions. For women, in particular, Elton notes that societal pressures, changing bodies, and aging can sometimes impact self-desire, making it harder to accept a partner's advances.
To enhance connection and boost oxytocin, the bonding hormone, Elton suggests small acts of physical affection, such as a 20-second hug or a six-second kiss. She also points to self-care practices, like applying lotion or a skincare routine, as ways to help individuals feel more connected with themselves, which can, in turn, improve their connection with their partner.