A common habit within long-term marriages could be quietly detrimental to a couple's sex life, according to Dr. Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist. Elton emphasizes that a healthy sex life is defined not by frequency, but by mutual satisfaction and connection between partners.
"What's healthy is whether both partners feel connected, satisfied and respected in their intimate relationship," Elton told Fox News Digital. "For some couples, that may mean several times a week, while for others it may be once or twice a month. The healthiest benchmark is mutual fulfillment."
Elton advises couples against comparing their intimacy levels to external standards. Instead, she encourages open communication about desires, the time that can pass before disconnection is felt, and individual "warning signs." Establishing an agreed-upon range for intimacy and committing to maintaining it together is crucial.
The Pitfalls of Neglecting Intimacy
The demands of careers, raising children, caring for aging parents, and managing finances can lead couples to unintentionally deprioritize their relationship. This can result in partners leading "parallel lives," where conversations focus on daily logistics and intentional time together diminishes. A reduction in affection, physical touch, flirting, and playfulness can be early indicators that the relationship is not being actively nurtured, often preceding a decline in sexual intimacy.
"As a result, couples begin living parallel lives," Elton explained. "Conversations revolve around schedules, errands, bills and the kids. Intentional time together becomes less frequent. Affection, physical touch, flirting and playfulness become less frequent, replaced by stress, conflict and growing resentment."
Conversely, some couples may maintain regular sexual activity primarily to avoid conflict or "keep the peace," even if they feel emotionally disconnected. Elton points out that physical intimacy and emotional closeness are interconnected. To improve sexual intimacy, couples must first focus on strengthening their emotional bond.
Strategies for Reigniting Desire
Differences in sexual desire are normal within relationships, Elton notes. The key to maintaining strong desire over time lies in approaching intimacy as a team. This involves being responsive to a partner's experience, staying curious about their feelings, communicating openly, respecting boundaries, and collaborating to find an approach to intimacy that satisfies both individuals.
Elton also suggests broadening the definition of intimacy beyond just sexual activity. General affection, physical touch, flirting, emotional closeness, and dedicated time together can foster a stronger sense of connection, creating an environment where sexual desire can naturally flourish. If partners consistently feel rejected, lonely, or resentful, or if conversations about intimacy are avoided, seeking professional help is recommended. Issues such as painful sex, erectile difficulties, hormonal concerns, trauma, depression, anxiety, or persistent differences in desire that cause distress should also be addressed with a professional promptly.