An anonymous reader, writing under the pseudonym "In the Dark," has sought advice from columnist Jane Green regarding a recent request from her boyfriend to have sex with the lights on. The couple, who have been together for many years, have maintained a routine of intimacy with the lights off, a practice the reader finds more comfortable and conducive to setting a mood.
The reader expressed her horror at the thought of the lights being on, fearing that it would highlight perceived physical flaws and make her too anxious to enjoy the experience. While she initially managed to dissuade her boyfriend, he has repeatedly brought up the request, becoming upset when she refuses. He has assured her of her beauty and expressed a desire for her to feel comfortable, even going so far as to call it a "dealbreaker" if she did not try it.
"In the Dark" questioned whether she had a say in the matter, stating, "Don't I get a say in this, too?"
Jane Green responded by acknowledging that intimacy can become routine over long-term relationships. She noted that while familiarity can breed comfort, it can also lead to a lack of excitement, potentially causing one partner to seek novelty elsewhere. Green reassured the reader that her boyfriend likely does not perceive her perceived flaws as she does.
Green advised that sex should be comfortable and playful, emphasizing the importance of trying new things to maintain excitement in a relationship. She encouraged the reader to consider the request as a reasonable compromise, suggesting that trying it once would determine if it is something she could be open to in the future. "Loving someone doesn't always mean we get to do everything we want to do – it often means loving them in the way they need to be loved," Green wrote.