Influencer Steph Claire Smith's recent admission that she rarely performs oral sex on her husband, Josh Miller, after their marriage has resonated with many women, sparking conversations about a common shift in marital intimacy. Smith shared on a podcast that she felt she had inadvertently set unrealistic expectations during their dating period, leading to her husband's current dissatisfaction with her reduced frequency of the act.
Smith's candor highlights a sentiment many women reportedly feel but rarely express: that certain sexual acts, particularly oral sex, are more prominent during the courtship phase than in the long-term commitment of marriage. This phenomenon is described as a pattern where behaviors and expressions of enthusiasm, common at the beginning of a relationship, tend to diminish as the relationship solidifies.
"It's really important, the things we set out at the start of a relationship, because I honestly think that's why Josh has such a problem with my lack of blow jobs that I give him," Smith said, reflecting on her situation. "I set myself up, honestly, for the s**t that comes up now. Like when he really wants it, I'm, like, 'I did this to myself.'"
Sex columnist Jana Hocking noted that this confession struck a chord because it articulates a truth often left unspoken. She characterized the practice of enthusiastically offering oral sex during dating and then deeming it optional in marriage as a near-universal experience for many women.
This shift, according to Hocking, places oral sex in a category of actions women often prioritize early in a relationship, alongside behaviors like wearing lingerie, spontaneous intimacy, and engaging in explicit communication, which may become less frequent once a couple is married. "These are all things women tend to do at the start of the relationship, but as soon as we've locked it down, it suddenly becomes 'Can we make this quick? MAFS is on,'" Hocking observed.
Some women, like Smith, view oral sex as a tool that can be strategically employed. Hocking's social media poll revealed a spectrum of perspectives among married women. Some align with Smith's experience, citing fatigue and the demands of family life as reasons for reduced intimacy. One respondent stated, "When we were dating I'd happily surprise him all the time. Now we've got two kids under five and by the time they're finally asleep, the only thing I want near my mouth is a block of chocolate."
Another woman shared that she uses the withholding of oral sex as a form of "passive punishment" for perceived inequities in household or childcare responsibilities. In contrast, others maintain oral sex as an active part of their marital intimacy. These women often see it as a mutually beneficial act or a powerful tool for expressing gratitude or influencing decisions, such as acquiring a desired item.
"One wife told me she likes to 'keep them up my sleeve for when he's done something particularly nice for me, or I've got my eye on a new handbag or outfit,'" Hocking reported. Another woman, married for 14 years, stated, "They're still very much on the menu. I don't understand why women stop. If he makes the effort for me, I make the effort for him."
Hocking concluded that perfecting the technique is worthwhile, suggesting that oral sex can be viewed as a "superpower" within a marriage, serving various functions from a gesture of affection to a means of fostering deeper intimacy and mutual satisfaction.