The practice of maintaining a secondary romantic or sexual interest, often referred to as 'cushioning' or 'backburnering,' involves keeping lines of communication open with someone as a potential backup plan. This behavior can occur even when an individual is in a committed relationship.
According to a 2014 study published in Computers in Human Behavior, a 'backburner' is defined as a person to whom one is not presently committed, but with whom some degree of communication is maintained to preserve the possibility of future romantic or sexual involvement. The term 'cushioning' is used similarly, implying the creation of a safety net should a primary relationship falter.
Jayson Dibble, the lead author of the 2014 study and an assistant professor of communication at Hope College, noted that these relationships require relatively frequent communication. From an evolutionary perspective, maintaining multiple options could be seen as a strategy to maximize reproductive opportunities while ensuring care for potential offspring by remaining with a primary partner.
Marriage and family therapist Elisabeth LaMotte suggests that cushioning can be a preemptive form of rebounding. It often indicates a difficulty with being alone or an unmet need within the primary relationship. In such cases, the 'cushion' might represent an idealized escape from current relationship challenges, such as dating a highly anxious partner and seeking out someone perceived as more relaxed.
LaMotte cautions that this approach prevents couples from addressing issues in their primary relationship through communication and effort. The focus on an idealized alternative can lead individuals to neglect their current, potentially solid, relationships.
Comedian and writer Xavier Toby recounted an experience where, after a breakup, he pursued a 'backburner' relationship instead of processing his grief. He found that these connections offer temporary validation but lack substance. "They provide a little jolt of validation that you might be missing in your relationship due to turmoil, but that’s all they’ll ever be," Toby said. "They’re like sugar. Instantly gratifying, addictive, but without any nutritional value."
Dating coach and author Samantha Burns states that cushioning is detrimental to all parties involved, stemming from insecurity or dissatisfaction. She advises individuals to examine why they seek external validation and whether their needs are being met within their primary relationship. Burns suggests that focusing on and communicating with one's primary partner is key to navigating relationship challenges successfully.