Margaret Murphy has lived in London while her husband, Peter, has remained in Brisbane for the past 15 years, yet the couple say their marriage has endured and remains fulfilling despite long stretches apart.
Margaret, who moved to the UK after completing a PhD in applied linguistics and later took a role as an education officer at the Royal College of Surgeons, said the couple typically see one another once a year to every 18 months. "I've made a whole set of new friends and I live in my cosy flat in London alone. So I've done all of that while still staying married, it's been a wonderful experience," she told BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour.
Living apart while married has a recognised shorthand — LAT, for "living apart together" — but official figures suggest it is relatively uncommon. Data show about 3% of people who are married or in a civil partnership live at different addresses from their partner. For Margaret and Peter, differing goals in later life prompted the change: he wanted to remain in the family home and continue working, while she sought new opportunities and a move to London after their children left home.
The arrangement has come with trade-offs. Margaret acknowledged the lack of daily companionship in London, and said Peter can feel lonely in Brisbane because he does not socialise well on his own. She said the couple have made the arrangement work through frequent, open communication. "I tell Peter everything about my life in London, my work, my new friends, my travels. It's given him another dimension in life," she said.
High-profile examples illustrate a range of reasons couples may choose to live apart. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Brad Falchuk spent parts of their early marriage in different homes. Model Ashley Graham lived in New York while her husband worked in Los Angeles. Actor Helena Bonham Carter and director Tim Burton maintained separate residences during a long relationship. More recently, Abbott Elementary actor Sheryl Lee Ralph said she and her husband have lived on opposite US coasts for almost 20 years because of conflicting work commitments.
Listeners and relationship specialists say the arrangement can suit some couples when it is entered into deliberately and with shared ground rules. A Woman's Hour listener, Kerry, described agreeing with her partner before they became serious that they would not cohabit as a way to preserve independence. The pair bought houses close to one another and planned to marry while maintaining separate homes.
Ammanda Major, clinical quality director for Relate at Family Action, said living apart is not for everyone but can help partners maintain a sense of identity and personal space. Major advised that couples considering such an arrangement should be sure both parties genuinely want it and not one partner acquiescing to the other's preference. She recommended setting clear rules about days together, sexual relationships and child care where relevant, and checking in regularly to ensure the arrangement continues to suit both partners.
Advice from relationship professionals emphasises communication as central to sustaining married life across distance. Practical measures include agreeing expectations up front, discussing how to manage family responsibilities, and establishing routines for contact. Supporters of LAT arrangements say the setup can preserve autonomy while allowing partners to come together intentionally.
Margaret frames the decision to live apart as a late-in-life opportunity rather than a compromise. After raising four children in Australia and not working outside the home for many years, she returned to university at 57, gained a doctorate and moved to London. "Yes you can get a full time job at the age of 60 if you want. Yes, you can live in another country and do all of these exciting things, even move to a different continent," she said.
Margaret and Peter's experience highlights the variety of modern relationship structures and the ways couples adapt to differing personal and professional goals. While living apart presents emotional and practical challenges, couples who report success commonly cite mutual consent, clearly negotiated boundaries and ongoing communication as the foundations that sustain their marriages.