Across the United States, parents and guardians are confronting the upheaval that comes when a child moves out — often for college or to start a career — and describing a mix of grief, loneliness, relief and new freedom that experts associate with what is commonly called empty nest syndrome.
Clinical psychologists and family therapists say the experience is not a formal medical diagnosis, but the loss of daily routines, the uncertainty of when parents will see their children again and the narrowing of social circles can produce intense, long-lasting emotions that affect mental health and relationships.
Julie Gottman, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, said empty nest feelings can be more acute than earlier parenting milestones such as a preschool drop off because of the open-ended separation. "One of the hardest things for empty nesters is understanding that your children need separation," she said. "It will be hard but call your friend instead."
For some parents the emotions begin well before a move. Diane Bergantinos, 45, a newly single parent in Honolulu, said she planned to leave soon to help her only child relocate to Oregon for school and described the period leading up to the departure as wrenching. "It's like having a sick family member. You know their time is limited and you try to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, but you can't fully prepare for it until it happens," she said. "I'm just trying to savor every minute, cherish whatever moments I have left, and not dwell on the fact that he is leaving."
Experts advise acknowledging the breadth of feelings that can arise and cultivating social ties beyond one’s children. That guidance is especially important for single parents and for those whose daily schedules were tightly interwoven with their children's activities. Gottman recommended finding group activities, exercise classes, creative pursuits or other spaces where people can meet new friends and rebuild social networks.
Some parents report tangible positives after the transition. Mike and Barbara Marlow, a couple in their 50s from Flagstaff, Arizona, said they felt both loss and a renewed intimacy after three children moved out over several years. "I remember Barb and I looking at each other over at our island in our kitchen going, ‘Hi there!’" Mike Marlow said. The couple, whose children are now 29, 25 and 24, said they have used the extra time to date each other, exercise, travel and make plans for the future.
Gottman said the empty nest phase prompts the question many couples face: "Who are we?" She noted that sharing the experience of parenting can leave couples with a shared history that, in some cases, makes it easier to rediscover one another once daily parenting demands ease. "There's a beautiful thing that can happen to couples. You are able to rediscover who your partner is and the love that you have for them," she said.
Developing new routines and hobbies can also blunt the sting of separation. Bergantinos said she plans to keep busy with work and a hobby she picked up while her son was in high school: making ribbon leis. She began selling them on Facebook Marketplace and plans to continue as a way to fill time and maintain a creative outlet.
Clinicians caution that for some people the emotions around a child’s departure can mirror depression, and they urge parents to seek professional help if feelings become overwhelming or persistent. Co-parents often travel similar emotional ground, and experts recommend that couples discuss their experiences openly and consult counselors if they struggle to align expectations or cope.
The moment of becoming an "empty nester" is not uniform. Some families experience the transition gradually or intermittently, depending on children moving back home, attending nearby schools or staying in multigenerational households. The Marlows said technology has helped them remain engaged in their children's lives without intruding, allowing for encouragement, advice and praise from afar.
Therapists and family specialists emphasize practical steps that can ease the adjustment: acknowledge changing emotions, lean on friends and family, rebuild social networks through classes or community groups, and try new activities either alone or with a partner. When negative emotions persist or interfere with daily functioning, they say, professional counseling can provide targeted support.
For many parents, the period after a child moves out becomes a time of reinvention as well as mourning, with opportunities to rekindle relationships, pursue delayed interests and form new routines. Mumphrey reported from Flagstaff, Arizona.