The decision to rekindle a relationship with an ex-partner, while often met with skepticism, can lead to a healthier dynamic if approached with intention and self-awareness, according to relationship experts. This perspective comes amid renewed fan speculation about singer Ariana Grande reportedly reconciling with dancer Ricky Álvarez, fueled by lyrical changes in her ongoing "Eternal Sunshine" tour.
While some lyrics on Grande's song "Thank U, Next" have evolved, moving from "Wrote some songs about Ricky/ now I listen and laugh" to variations like "we always find our way back," this phenomenon is not unique. The impulse to revisit past relationships can be influenced by various life events and the challenges of the current dating landscape.
Clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff explains that the distinction between unhealthy "backsliding" and healthy "reengaging" lies in the internal work and changes each individual brings to the renewed partnership. "Backsliding is returning back to old patterns, doing nothing differently and assuming the outcome will somehow be different," Romanoff stated. "Reengaging means starting a new relationship with your ex, in a way where you both have evolved, learned from the past, and are better partners for each other."
Todd Baratz, a certified sex therapist and author, emphasizes that a successful reunion requires "extra intention" to avoid repeating past mistakes. "The goal isn’t to eliminate problems. It’s to respond to them differently," he advised, noting that the dynamics that ended the relationship often resurface if not addressed.
Baratz also cautions against reductive terms like "backsliding," suggesting they carry shame and shut down curiosity. "Every relationship has its own history and context," he said. "Growth isn’t determined by your relationship status. It’s determined by how honestly you’re engaging with your own experience."
Therapists note that individuals may be more inclined to revisit ex-partners during significant life transitions or moments of instability. Milestones that often come with societal pressure to "have your life together," such as approaching a milestone birthday or a close friend's engagement, can trigger a desire to return to familiar comfort. Conversely, experiencing job loss, financial strain, or the death of a loved one can also lead people to seek the stability previously offered by a past partner.
"I think one of the biggest reasons is simply that people leave a relationship, enter the dating world, and realize how difficult it is. That naturally brings an ex back into the picture," Baratz said. "Sometimes that’s nostalgia. Sometimes it’s genuine growth. Sometimes it’s convenience."
To assess whether a renewed relationship has a genuine chance, experts urge introspection. Romanoff suggests asking, "Are you running away from fear"—such as the fear of scarcity or loneliness—or "consciously toward choosing" this ex because they genuinely enhance your life and well-being.
Baratz recommends considering the motivations behind the outreach: "Are you reaching out because you’ve reflected, grown and genuinely want to reconnect? Or are you dysregulated, lonely and looking for relief from your own discomfort?" He also advises considering the potential impact on the ex-partner, especially if the initial breakup was hurtful.
Experts agree that shifts in external pressures, such as distance or financial stability, or a willingness from either party to compromise on dynamics that previously caused rupture, can signal a more promising future. However, they caution against an overly idealistic outlook, warning that a lack of pragmatic preparation for necessary compromises can lead to a short-lived reconciliation.
While the common reaction to couples reuniting with an ex is often negative, therapists argue that this perspective may be too rigid. "People break up and get back together all the time. Friendships end and reconnect years later," Baratz stated. "Human relationships are messy, and they don’t fit neatly into rules."
He suggests that the strong negative reactions can stem from an overly simplistic view of past relationships, treating ex-partners as inherently toxic. "We treat them like they’re toxic substances that need to be removed from our lives at all costs. But they’re not lava. They’re people," Baratz said. "I think we’ve become so focused on controlling grief that we’ve created endless rules: no contact, block them, never look back, don’t respond, don’t reach out."
While acknowledging the importance of healthy boundaries, Baratz emphasizes that they should be individual decisions rather than universal prescriptions. Ultimately, the decision to reconcile rests with the couple involved, and such situations are best approached with curiosity rather than judgment.