Extensive nighttime routines, often framed as self-care and amplified by social media trends like "going to bed ugly to wake up pretty," may be inadvertently damaging intimacy and sex lives, warns clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon.
Solomon, an adjunct professor at Northwestern University and author of the podcast "Reimagining Love," explained that relationships exist in a dynamic balance between the individual and the couple – "me, you, and us." When personal routines become overly rigid and time-consuming, they can shift the focus from shared connection to individual optimization. "If someone’s elaborate routine takes over the evening, the whole schedule has to shift," Solomon said. "If you want to be asleep by 10:30 and still have time for intimacy, everything else has to get backed up." This can lead to sex life becoming dependent on completing a checklist.
Solomon suggests that these routines, which can include practices like mouth taping, extensive skincare regimens, or hair treatments, can become a convenient excuse to avoid closeness. "The routines can be a perfect excuse to avoid closeness," she said. "If your partner can’t touch you because you’re taped, masked and strapped in, that’s worth asking about."
Beneath the surface of these rituals, Solomon identifies underlying fears of aging, irrelevance, and loss of desirability, which she links to the intersection of patriarchy, sexism, and ageism. The societal message, she posits, is that beauty is conditional and intimacy is earned through maintaining appearances. "What industry would collapse if women decided that we were exactly beautiful as we are?" she questioned, noting that billions of dollars depend on the current narrative.
Recent data from the National Survey of Family Growth indicates a significant rise in sexlessness among young adults over the past decade. For men aged 22-34, the rate has doubled, while for women in the same age group, it has increased by approximately 50%. Notably, this decline is most pronounced not in casual encounters, but within mostly monogamous relationships where partnered individuals are experiencing less physical connection.
Rewriting the Ritual
As an alternative, Solomon proposes reframing the concept of routine to prioritize connection. Instead of a lengthy personal regimen, she suggests activities like reading relationship-focused books such as "Come As You Are" or "She Comes First," journaling together, or simply dedicating less time to personal rituals to allow for intimacy. "Maybe it’s doing half as many steps so you can actually kiss goodnight without peeling something off your face first," she offered. She also encourages introspection: "If you’re clinging to your 12-step routine like a safety blanket, ask yourself what you’re avoiding." This avoidance could point to dissatisfaction with the quality of sex rather than a partner.
Scheduling Intimacy
Solomon also advocates for scheduling sex, likening it to making a dentist appointment. She argues that this intentionality can be as, if not more, exciting than spontaneous encounters. "When couples wait until the very end of the night, intimacy almost always gets shortchanged," she stated. "Being intentional doesn’t make it less sexy. In fact, holding that time says: This matters to us." Planning a "meeting" for intimacy can foster anticipation throughout the day, creating a shared "naughty world" and playful dynamic between partners, and elevates it as a priority over less critical activities.
"Some structure is good. But when it keeps growing — two steps, then five, then 12 — that’s a red flag. More isn’t always better. Sometimes the ritual takes on a life of its own," Solomon concluded. She suggests that excessive focus on consumption of products and adherence to rules leaves little room for essential human elements like intimacy, spontaneity, and rest, implying that true fulfillment, not just appearance, leads to a better start to the day.