In adulthood, forging close friendships can be a challenge due to time constraints and a tendency toward less vulnerability, leading some to experience loneliness. A 2023 Pew Research survey indicated that 8 percent of Americans have no close friends, and 7 percent have only one. The issue is more pronounced among men, with a 2021 American Perspectives Survey finding 15 percent reported having no close friends, compared to 10 percent of women.
Relationship psychologist Marisa G. Franco suggests several strategies to move friendships beyond a casual level, emphasizing intentionality and creativity. One key concept is "repotting," coined by researcher Ryan Hubbard. This involves varying the environments where friends interact, similar to moving a plant to a larger pot to allow for growth. Franco explains that meeting someone in one context, such as work, and then inviting them to engage in activities outside of that setting, like dinner or an event, can make the relationship more resilient.
"Creating new memories outside of the same old environments can be really powerful," Franco said, suggesting activities ranging from a ceramics class to a simple coffee date. These varied experiences can lead to more memorable interactions and stronger bonds.
Showing up during significant life moments, termed "diagnostic moments" by Franco, is another crucial strategy. These are periods of high or low emotion, and the people present during these times often have a lasting impact on how a relationship is perceived. Checking in with a friend during a difficult time, celebrating a promotion with a drink, or following up on something they were excited or worried about are examples of low-effort acts that signal a desire to be part of their lives.
Experts also advise not to shy away from asking for favors. Jaimie Krems, an associate professor of social psychology at UCLA, notes that across societies, the exchange of favors can increase feelings of closeness. This is sometimes linked to the "Ben Franklin effect," where doing a favor for someone can foster a better relationship. Asking for small favors, such as restaurant recommendations or plant-sitting, can be an effective way to deepen a connection, and recalling the positive feeling of being a resource to a friend can help alleviate anxiety about asking for help.
Finally, directly expressing affection is vital. Franco highlights a study where shared affection was a significant predictor of friendship depth. The fear of appearing "cringe" or overly earnest, particularly among younger generations like Gen Z, can inhibit emotional honesty. However, experts state that expressing how much you value a friendship, whether through a text before a hangout or a simple thank you for listening, goes a long way. This direct expression of liking and valuing someone is crucial for building closer connections in an era where a culture of nonchalance can hinder genuine intimacy.