Women navigating the dating scene in their 40s are encountering a common frustration: a perceived lack of foreplay during sexual encounters. Many report that men often rush through intimacy, focusing on speed rather than building anticipation.
One woman, writing to columnist Jana Hocking, described her experiences after a long marriage. She noted that while initial chemistry may be present, once in bed, the encounters become a "jackhammering" with little build-up. She expressed confusion, stating that these men appear confident they are performing well, despite the monotonous experience that leaves her mentally disengaged.
Hocking suggests that easy access to pornography may contribute to this trend, with men potentially modeling their behavior on scenes that depict women having orgasms from rapid thrusting, overlooking the importance of sustained intimacy, kissing, and fondling. She advises women to communicate their needs, suggesting simple cues like "slower" or "don't stop." However, she also cautions that if a man reacts negatively to requests for more foreplay, it may be a sign to end the relationship.
Beyond sexual intimacy, another recurring issue highlighted involves the nature of male-female friendships. A woman shared her discomfort with her boyfriend's close female best friend, who maintains a highly intimate level of communication, including frequent selfies and constant calls. This friend relies on the boyfriend for emotional support, even calling him late at night for comfort after arguments with other men.
In contrast, the letter writer recounted a time when her boyfriend offered only a thumbs-up emoji and a link to roadside assistance when her car broke down. The friend's public birthday tribute, calling him her "person" and featuring a picture of her hands around his waist, further fueled the writer's insecurity about her role in the relationship.
Hocking criticizes the notion of the "cool girlfriend" who suppresses her feelings, asserting that women are allowed to have emotional responses and set boundaries. She argues that when a serious partner enters the picture, friendships should adapt to respect the romantic relationship. The key concern, she explains, is not necessarily a romantic history between the friends, but the emotional dependence and the boyfriend's prioritization of the friend over his partner. She advises open communication to address how the behavior impacts the romantic relationship, suggesting that if the boyfriend is unwilling to adjust, it signals a deeper issue.