For years, the author associated female friendship with alcohol, finding that her closest bonds were inextricably linked to her relationship with wine. This connection became particularly apparent when she ultimately decided to give up drinking after a decade of consuming a bottle of wine nightly.
From childhood, the author, identified as Hetty Moorehead, and her best friend Kate were inseparable. Their friendship deepened during challenging times, like the author's parents' marriage collapse. By age 15, alcohol became a significant part of their connection, a trend amplified by the late 1990s and early 2000s cultural landscape that linked heavy drinking among women to a sense of equality. The author cites cultural touchstones like the film "Bridget Jones" and the public image of celebrities such as Sadie Frost and Kate Moss to illustrate this prevailing attitude.
Their shared drinking continued through university and early careers, though the author notes that alcohol served different purposes for each of them – light and fun for Kate, a dark release for the author. She describes alcohol as creating a "trick mirror" in female friendships, accelerating confessions and fostering a false sense of emotional reciprocity.
By her late teens, the author realized her drinking had escalated to alcoholism, leading to depression, job losses, and a decline in self-respect. While her friend Kate initially dismissed the author's struggles as a "depressive illness" and suggested she "pull her socks up," the author's resolve to quit drinking marked a significant shift in their dynamic.
The author's decision to attend her first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was a private act, as she feared Kate's reaction. Announcing her sobriety felt akin to asking for a divorce. When she expressed her intention to quit permanently, Kate questioned why she couldn't just drink occasionally. Throughout the author's first year of sobriety, Kate would often remark on how much fun the author used to be, a comment that, while perhaps lighthearted, highlighted the widening gap between them.
At events like weddings, the author observed Kate drinking from a distance, feeling a profound sense of separation. While there was no single moment when the friendship explicitly ended, their paths diverged as the author embraced her recovery. Their interactions gradually decreased from frequent contact to occasional dinners, and eventually, to nothing.
Over 15 years of sobriety, the author has come to accept that some friendships, especially those built on a foundation of alcohol, cannot withstand the shift sobriety brings. She acknowledges that for some, sobriety can be perceived as an act of betrayal or an implicit criticism of their own habits. However, she has also found new friendships with individuals who do not question her sobriety and has reconnected with old friends who no longer recognize the person she was when she drank. She reflects that Kate would likely not recognize the person she is today, a testament to the transformative power of sobriety and the passage of time.