A 54-year-old woman, identified only as “Over My Head in New York,” has sought advice from Dear Abby regarding her engagement to a man named Neil, whom she reconnected with after 40 years. While she loves Neil and his two daughters, ages 11 and 13, she is experiencing significant distress due to his anger issues and a drinking problem.
According to the letter, Neil has cursed at her and used derogatory names in front of his daughters on multiple occasions. Although he has reportedly shown improvement since beginning couples therapy, his behavior remains a concern. The woman also notes that Neil struggles with his children's lack of discipline and rules, with their mother described as "useless and irresponsible."
The writer states that her own mental and physical health have been negatively impacted by the stress of the relationship. She experiences stomach issues, weight loss, and psoriasis. Her personal therapist has not been helpful, and she feels miserable and wants to end the engagement. However, she fears the emotional devastation this would cause Neil and, particularly, his daughters.
Dear Abby advised the woman to consider changing therapists if her current one is not providing adequate support. Abby also suggested attending Al-Anon meetings to understand that Neil’s anger and alcohol issues cannot be resolved by her staying in the relationship. Abby emphasized that Neil’s children are not the writer's responsibility and that she should accept that a stable environment for them is unlikely to be established under the current circumstances. The advice concluded with urging the writer to explain to the children that her departure is not their fault and then move on.