A woman who endured decades of abusive relationships and made a series of damaging personal choices now attributes these struggles to an undiagnosed neurological disorder: attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It was not until her early 60s that a diagnosis and subsequent medication provided her with the clarity to understand and break free from a destructive cycle.
Joy Gwatkin, now 61, recounted a history of relationships marked by violence, control, and emotional turmoil. Her first marriage in South Africa at age 15 was to a man who was frequently absent and abusive, later found to be using drugs. This was followed by decades of similar partnerships, often with men exhibiting controlling behavior and substance abuse issues. Gwatkin described one instance where her then-husband threatened to pour hot oil over her and confessed to breaking her eye socket, nose, ribs, jaw, and thumb over perceived transgressions like wearing shorts. She also noted a pattern of being attracted to individuals she described as "biker 'bad boys," which initially presented as passionate attention but devolved into control and infidelity.
A Cycle of Harm
Gwatkin's experiences included instances of coercive control, financial entanglement, and threats of property destruction. In her final relationship, which began in 2012, her partner was an alcoholic. After moving to the UK in 2019, the relationship deteriorated, culminating in physical assault in early 2023. The aftermath involved complex financial and legal issues, forcing them to live in separate parts of the same house for over three years. Gwatkin installed locks and cameras for her safety, living in constant fear until the property was sold last year, allowing her to secure her own accommodation and obtain an injunction against her former partner.
Epiphany Through Diagnosis
The turning point came about two years ago when Gwatkin's daughter, Angelique, 37, was diagnosed with ADHD. Recognizing similarities, Angelique suggested her mother also seek an assessment. Upon researching ADHD, Gwatkin found that many of her lifelong traits—impulsivity, intense empathy, an optimistic tendency to see the best in people, and difficulty recognizing warning signs—were consistent with the disorder. She realized that these characteristics had made her vulnerable to manipulative and controlling partners and contributed to her tendency to stay in harmful situations, often blaming herself.
Medication and a New Chapter
After receiving her ADHD diagnosis, Gwatkin began taking a stimulant medication, Medikinet, at a dosage of 40mg. She reported an almost immediate improvement in her thinking, describing it as clearer, calmer, and more measured, with the "constant background noise" in her mind quieting. This allowed her to focus on problem-solving rather than becoming overwhelmed. She also underwent cognitive behavioral therapy, which helped her understand how ADHD impacts emotional regulation and decision-making. This newfound clarity has fundamentally changed her approach to relationships. She is currently in a new relationship, which she describes as slow, thoughtful, and built on respect, honesty, and clear boundaries, a stark contrast to her past experiences. Gwatkin feels that at 61, she is embarking on a new chapter of her life, one characterized by understanding and clarity rather than shame or self-doubt.