A relationship dynamic termed 'tolyamory' is thought to be prevalent, though often undiscussed, where one or both partners in a socially monogamous couple tolerate the other's extramarital sexual or romantic relationships without explicit agreement. The term, coined by sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage, is a portmanteau of 'tolerate' and 'polyamory.'
Savage described tolyamory as a situation where an individual is "willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage." These individuals, he explained, focus on the ways their spouse demonstrates commitment and love, finding that these aspects compensate for or make the potential infidelity tolerable. He characterized such people as not being fooled but rather having made peace with their situation and willing to accept a certain amount of outside contact.
Relationship researcher Marie Thouin elaborated that tolyamory involves one or both partners in a couple turning a blind eye to their partner's sexual activities with others to maintain the relationship. This occurs without open endorsement of non-monogamous behavior. Thouin hypothesizes that such dynamics are common, citing famous couples where infidelity was exposed but the relationship continued, maintaining a public appearance of monogamy.
A fictional example often cited is the couple Cameron and Daphne from the second season of HBO's "The White Lotus."
Polyamory educator Leanne Yau suggested that tolyamory might be the most common form of non-monogamy. The term is considered useful for distinguishing this dynamic from others like 'poly under duress' (PUD) and 'don't ask, don't tell' (DADT).
Unlike tolyamory, PUD and DADT are considered openly negotiated forms of non-monogamy. In PUD, one partner desires non-monogamy, and the other agrees to preserve the relationship, though potentially reluctantly. While PUD partners may struggle, they typically enter the arrangement with transparency. Tolyamorous relationships, conversely, may arise retroactively after discovering infidelity or through an ultimatum, and the couple often maintains the appearance of monogamy.
DADT involves a dynamic where both partners are aware of each other's outside romantic or sexual relations but avoid discussing the details. Yau noted that the ethics of DADT can be questionable. Thouin suggested that DADT is often more egalitarian, with both partners engaging in outside relationships discreetly, while tolyamory may more frequently involve one partner remaining monogamous while the other is sexually active elsewhere.
Experts believe tolyamory can stem from various societal and personal factors. Some cultures acknowledge the difficulty of lifelong monogamy and permit discreet extramarital affairs to maintain social standing. In societies with less advanced gender equality, a dual standard may exist, expecting women to tolerate husbands' infidelity while remaining monogamous. Socioeconomic dependency can also influence a partner's decision to tolerate infidelity due to the perceived greater hardship of leaving the relationship.
Despite the increasing visibility of non-monogamy, monogamous coupledom remains heavily valued in the U.S., often stigmatizing singleness and non-monogamous arrangements. Some individuals may engage in tolyamory to avoid perceptions of promiscuity, the risk of STIs, or the idea of undermining marriage and family, thereby preserving a public image of monogamy.
The existence of tolyamory highlights a reluctance in some relationships to communicate openly and a fear of expressing true desires. Additionally, the complexities and costs associated with ending a relationship—including financial security, mutual care, and emotional safety—can lead couples to practice tolyamory rather than separate.