Conversations can sometimes feel unbalanced, leaving one person feeling like they've done all the work. Communication expert and life coach Hailey Magee suggests this disconnect often stems from differing communication styles: "volunteers" and "invite-onlies." These contrasting approaches, if left unaddressed, can lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings in relationships.
Magee explained that "volunteers" are comfortable sharing personal information and initiating conversations about their experiences without being prompted. They may perceive direct questioning as invasive and trust that others will share when they are ready.
In contrast, "invite-onlies" prefer to share about themselves only after being asked a question. They show care and interest by inquiring about others' experiences, believing that initiating conversation about themselves could be perceived as self-centered or imposing. They trust that if others are interested, they will ask.
Both styles can contribute positively to conversations. Volunteers, described as "open books," keep conversations flowing by introducing new information and fostering connection. Invite-onlies, on the other hand, enhance discussions through curiosity, active listening, and asking questions that make others feel recognized.
However, when volunteers and invite-onlies interact, potential conflicts can arise. Magee notes that volunteers might view invite-onlies as guarded or distant because they don't volunteer information freely, interpreting this lack of sharing as a lack of vulnerability or interest. Conversely, invite-onlies might see volunteers as self-centered and lacking curiosity, as volunteers often don't ask personal questions, which invite-onlies see as a primary way to express care.
Magee shared a personal anecdote about her own experience as an invite-only communicator, realizing that her volunteer friends weren't intentionally being self-centered but simply expressed their connection differently. They, in turn, had assumed her guardedness meant she wasn't interested in closeness.
"Everyone would benefit from discussing their communication styles with their friends, family members, partners and colleagues," Magee stated. "Unaddressed mismatches in style can lead to resentment and incorrect assumptions."
She suggests that openly discussing these differences can lead to a better understanding of each other's communication patterns and collaboratively finding ways to meet both individuals' needs. Magee offers scripts for initiating these conversations, such as volunteers saying, "Hey! Lately I’ve been feeling like our conversations are imbalanced. I feel sad when I open up about myself, but you don’t do the same. Can we talk about how I can help you feel more comfortable to share?" Invite-onlies might say, "I feel hurt when you share about yourself but don’t really ask about me. Can we talk about how to find more balance?"
While not every conversation will yield the desired response, engaging in direct communication can help individuals move beyond assumptions and operate based on clearer understanding, regardless of the outcome.