Firstborn children often exhibit traits such as being "fiercely independent," "driven," "responsible," and "caretakers," according to insights from licensed marriage and family therapist Aparna Sagaram and licensed clinical social worker Altheresa Clark. These characteristics, therapists say, frequently surface in therapy sessions, stemming from unique childhood experiences.
One common theme among oldest siblings is a struggle with perfectionism. Clark explains that first-time parents often navigate a learning curve with their eldest child, sometimes resulting in strict parenting styles or high expectations. This can translate into adult perfectionism and self-criticism, where individuals feel intense pressure to meet these ingrained standards. Therapists often work with oldest siblings to help them understand this connection and to be more forgiving of themselves when they fall short of their own high expectations.
This self-critical tendency can also contribute to feelings of imposter syndrome. When individuals constantly strive for more and are self-critical, they may struggle to feel worthy of their successes or recognition. Clark notes that this is particularly evident in high-achieving clients, who may feel they don't deserve their accomplishments due to a history of strict upbringing or parental expectations.
Another significant issue is "parentification," where oldest children are given adult responsibilities at a young age. Sagaram defines this as having to care for younger siblings, prepare meals, or manage bedtime routines, often because parents were working extensively or were emotionally or physically unavailable. Clark points out that in many cultures, and particularly within BIPOC communities, this role of assisting parents and caring for siblings is an ingrained expectation. Adults who experienced parentification may find it difficult to relax, often worry about others, and feel a perpetual need to be a caretaker.
Oldest siblings may also experience jealousy or resentment towards their younger siblings, feeling that their younger siblings had an easier path. This can manifest as a wish to have experienced life with less pressure, such as less severe consequences for minor infractions.
Furthermore, many oldest children struggle with asking for help. Sagaram observes that they often feel they cannot rely on others or must figure everything out independently. This can impact various aspects of their lives, including work and personal relationships. Therapists aim to help oldest siblings unlearn this tendency, emphasizing that seeking support is not a sign of weakness. Clark adds that even those who appear to have their lives together may find it challenging to express their struggles, especially when met with dismissive responses based on their perceived success.
While birth order plays a role in shaping personality and family dynamics, Sagaram emphasizes that it is not the sole determining factor. She advises against dwelling on birth order as a cause for strained relationships, suggesting instead that healing and improving relationships are possible regardless of one's position in the family. Therapy can be a valuable tool for oldest siblings experiencing these challenges. Clark recommends it for addressing unhealed trauma, connecting childhood experiences to current behaviors, and identifying patterns that need change. Family therapy can also be beneficial for those with difficult family relationships.