For decades, Chris Taunton and his wife Anna, both now in their 50s, built a life together, raising two daughters and navigating careers. However, their intimate relationship has been absent for the past two years and two months. Taunton, writing under a pseudonym, shared his story to bring attention to the often-hidden reality of sexless marriages.
Taunton, who was once a singer in a band and described himself as having had over 50 partners in his twenties, met Anna in his early thirties. Their initial connection was marked by intense passion, with them kissing for hours after their first meeting and experiencing a vibrant sex life in the early stages of their relationship. Anna, however, confided in him about her insecurities regarding her body, stemming from childhood teasing.
The Impact of Trying for Children
The couple's sex life began to change significantly when they decided to try for children. In her mid-thirties, Anna used fertility books and ovulation tests, leading to a period where they had sex frequently but with a growing sense of it becoming a chore. Taunton recounts that arousal became a challenge, and he sometimes resorted to using pornography to achieve an erection, a practice that later became a source of distress for both of them.
After 18 months of trying without success, they turned to IVF. This process, which involved multiple miscarriages for Anna and intense treatment regimes, further strained their relationship. The need for abstinence during IVF cycles and the emotional toll of miscarriages meant that sex became a distant concern. During this period, Taunton found himself relying on pornography alone for sexual release.
Parenthood and the Erosion of Intimacy
Following the birth of their first daughter at age 39, and later a second child via IVF five years later, the demands of parenting and careers further impacted their intimate life. Taunton notes that Anna experienced traumatic births and struggled with the physical and emotional aftermath. He observed a decline in intimacy, with less cuddling and hand-holding, feeling an increasing emotional distance.
He also describes Anna's post-partum behavior as erratic at times, marked by exhaustion and anger. The physical changes from pregnancy, including weight gain, also contributed to Anna's feelings about her body and her desire for intimacy. Taunton notes that even after recovering physically, she no longer seemed to want to have sex.
Later Years and Unresolved Tensions
As they entered their 50s, with the children now older, the lack of sexual intimacy persisted. Taunton senses that Anna no longer finds him attractive and notes her menopausal status and a stated lack of libido, though he is unsure if this is the sole reason. He mentions that Anna occasionally points out attractive men on television, which he finds hurtful, and wonders if she compares him to other couples.
Taunton also reveals a past struggle with prescription painkiller addiction, which led to him not always being honest with Anna and her discovering his use of pornography. He acknowledges that his own desire for Anna has changed over the years, attributing it to aging and the familiarity inherent in long-term relationships, noting that scientific research suggests novelty can be crucial for sexual satisfaction.
Despite the absence of sex, Taunton emphasizes that they still get along well, share interests, and consider themselves a team. He notes that while sex may not be the most important aspect of their relationship, societal pressure can make a lack of it feel isolating. They have discussed relationship counseling and sex therapy but have not yet acted on it, prioritizing other aspects of their lives.
The couple has also considered an open relationship but concluded they were too busy to pursue other partners. Taunton expresses concern that Anna might be contemplating an "exit strategy" but acknowledges her statement that an open relationship would be more for him, as she is too tired to think about sex. Both come from families with difficult divorces and wish to avoid splitting up.
Taunton misses the intimacy and notes that while Anna has made some efforts towards physical affection, it sometimes feels forced. He observes her being more naturally affectionate with their children and friends. Reflecting on his past, he is glad he experienced a more sexually active youth. He concludes by stating that while their situation is frustrating and unresolved, they still love each other, hoping that love will endure.