The Midlife Dilemma: Navigating Loneliness and Marriage

The question of whether it is better to be single and lonely or to endure a bad marriage presents a significant dilemma for many women in midlife, according to relationship expert Tracey Cox.

Cox presents two contrasting viewpoints from women who have navigated this choice.

Embracing Solitude

Ellen, now 64, found unexpected freedom after becoming single at 49. Her partner of ten years died suddenly, and while she experienced grief, she also felt a profound sense of liberation. She describes their relationship as incompatible, with differing interests and desires for the future. "My advice to any woman who is worried about being lonely after leaving a bad or boring marriage is this: fear nothing. Jump! It’s brilliant on the other side," Ellen stated.

After her partner's death, Ellen spent time alone for the first time in her adult life. She realized the energy she had previously expended trying to make unsatisfactory relationships work felt like a waste. "All that rubbish about needing a man to ‘complete yourself’. It’s a big, fat lie," she commented. She found joy in simple freedoms: eating what she wanted, sleeping without disturbance, and dedicating weekends to her own interests without needing anyone's permission. She acquired a dog, reconnected with friends and neighbors, and maintained close ties with her children. Now in her sixties, she remains uninterested in romantic relationships, viewing marriage again as undesirable.

Ellen acknowledges that optimism and the ability to enjoy one's own company are important skills for living alone. She also challenges societal perceptions, suggesting that women are more resilient and resourceful than often credited, and that many women find fulfilling connections with other women after becoming single.

The Longing for Partnership

In contrast, Amy left her husband at 35, believing she could find a better partner. By 52, after years of being single and without a meaningful relationship, she deeply regrets her decision. "I had a great husband but left him because I thought I could do better," Amy explained.

She describes her ex-husband as having been a good man, though not ambitious, while her own career was flourishing. Influenced by others' opinions, she believed she deserved more. Her ex-husband remarried quickly, and Amy found herself unhappily single. Despite having a full life with friends, an interesting career, and financial security, she feels a profound lack of romantic love.

"What’s the point of anything if you don’t have some one to share it with?" Amy questioned, explaining that the absence of a partner diminishes her enjoyment of good experiences. She expressed shame and a sense of personal failing for her inability to find a partner. She also misses the simple presence of another person, the mundane aspects of shared life that prove companionship. She admits that her close friends and family do not fully realize the depth of her loneliness due to embarrassment.

Amy's advice to women considering leaving a "semi-OK" partner for single life is unequivocal: "Don’t. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life."

Finding Fulfillment While Single

Cox offers advice for those who find themselves single, emphasizing that it does not have to equate to sadness.

Recommendations include getting a dog for companionship and social interaction, joining clubs or groups to build new social circles, and using television or other noise sources to combat feelings of emptiness at home. Building a strong support network of at least four close friends is also suggested. The advice encourages recognizing that solitude can be liberating and relaxing, and that seeking help from professionals or friends when needed is a sign of self-sufficiency. For those who dislike living alone, options like getting a flatmate or lodger are presented. Physical touch, whether through a pet, massage, or hugs with friends, is highlighted as important for well-being. Finally, finding purpose through projects, learning, or reconnecting with old friends is encouraged over simply filling time.