The task of maintaining friendships, particularly for men, can often fall to their partners, a form of invisible emotional and organizational labor that has been dubbed "mankeeping." This dynamic involves reminding male partners to stay connected with friends, suggesting social activities, or managing their social calendars.
One friend, identified only as Steven, shared an experience where his girlfriend expressed frustration over constantly having to prompt him to maintain his social life. Steven himself observed this pattern when a friend’s wife reached out to him to arrange a visit after the birth of twins, a plan that had been discussed by the men for months but never materialized without her intervention. "This is ridiculous! They need to be nanny-ed for their social life," Steven’s girlfriend remarked.
Victoria Wren, a therapist with BetterHelp, notes that these patterns often become apparent after significant life changes, such as the end of a long-term relationship or a health crisis. She recalled a client who, after losing his wife, found himself needing to rebuild his social connections as an adult. He joined a walking group, which provided him with a sense of community and sustained him during his grief.
Wren also hears from clients who feel isolated after a breakup, only to realize their former partner had been their primary link to a wider social network. The implication, she suggests, is that men need to proactively invest in the friendships they wish to rely upon.
Laurence Houde, a relationship coach, has observed how easily a romantic relationship can become a man's entire social world. She described a client who, due to a people-pleasing tendency and idealization of his partner, prioritized the relationship to the extent that he lost himself. His relationship had inadvertently become his sole focus.
Houde has also witnessed direct instances of mankeeping, where a woman takes on the role of social organizer for the couple. This can include arranging dinners with the man's friends, planning parties, reminding him to contact people, and sometimes even encouraging him to see his own friends. Without intentionality, she was essentially managing aspects of his social life.
Jack Worthy, a licensed psychotherapist, has seen similar dynamics in his practice, especially when men face relationship endings and realize they have neglected their own friendships in favor of their partner's social circle. Worthy links this to "overfunctioning," where one partner assumes responsibility for managing another adult's life. He cautions that this can manifest as unpaid relationship labor, such as a partner neglecting their health, and can extend to taking over responsibilities like exercise routines or dietary choices.
Wren advises individuals to treat friendships as requiring consistent care and attention, just like any other relationship. She suggests that friendships can be cultivated at any stage of life through intentional effort, such as initiating a coffee or walk with a friend. Asking oneself "Who could I feel comfortable calling if I was genuinely struggling?" can highlight the difference between a broad social circle and a true support network.