The Ethics of Pursuing a Friendship When Romantic Feelings Emerge

Science journalist Shayla Love, writing for Vox, delves into the intricate ethical considerations of a friendship potentially evolving into a romantic relationship, particularly when one party has previously expressed unreciprocated feelings.

The dilemma centers on a reader’s situation: a friend confessed love a year prior, was rejected because the reader was infatuated with someone else and lacked physical attraction to the friend, but the friendship endured. Now, after a breakup, the reader contemplates pursuing a romantic relationship with the friend, drawn by his consistent love and support, and wonders if this desire is selfish and motivated by a search for security.

Love draws upon philosophical perspectives to explore this common “friends to lovers” trope. She references Plato’s Symposium, where different thinkers offered varying views on love. Aristophanes’s myth suggests humans seek their literal other half, implying a deep, innate longing. In contrast, other philosophers like Phaedrus, Pausanias, and Socrates proposed that love inspires self-improvement, values character over mere attraction, and can transcend initial physical infatuation.

Arthur Schopenhauer’s 19th-century essay, “The Metaphysics of Sexual Love,” viewed romantic love as a biological drive for procreation, a perspective that could frame the reader’s lack of physical attraction as a sign of rationality rather than passion. However, Love cautions against such cynical interpretations, emphasizing that these philosophical debates, while intellectually stimulating, involve real people with genuine feelings.

The journalist also highlights Simone de Beauvoir’s existentialist ideas on freedom and authenticity. De Beauvoir warned against forms of love that infringe upon a partner’s freedom, such as narcissistic love where one partner values the other’s affection more than the person themselves. Love gently suggests that the reader’s contemplation might verge on this if the primary motivation is the friend’s devotion rather than genuine romantic attraction.

While acknowledging that friendship is a crucial component of many successful long-term relationships, Love distinguishes it from the initial spark of romantic attraction. She notes that even when relationships begin platonically, a reciprocal romantic pull often emerges naturally. Citing H.G. Wells’s The New Machiavelli, she illustrates how initial intellectual connection can lead to undeniable physical and emotional attraction.

Ultimately, Love advises the reader to pursue connections where genuine attraction is present, rather than trying to cultivate it. She suggests appreciating the value of the existing friendship, referencing couples therapist Esther Perel, who views friendships as significant love stories in their own right. Nurturing this platonic bond is presented as a gift, especially in the wake of a breakup. The core message is that true romantic love, if it exists, will not require effort to ignite; it will be self-evident.