When a friend or family member is going through a challenging period, the instinct to help can be strong, but therapists advise against rushing to offer advice. Instead, they suggest prioritizing making the person feel heard and understood first.
"We'll often jump into, 'How can I fix this? How can I say the right thing?'" says Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, a therapist in Chattanooga, Tenn. "But advice usually lands better after someone feels understood." Offering solutions too quickly can leave individuals feeling dismissed rather than supported. The consensus among experts is that genuine support involves validating their experience before offering guidance, if it's even sought.
Self-Reflection and Empathy
Before speaking, it is helpful to assess the intention behind the words. "Is what I'm about to say going to help me, or help them?" asks Cheryl Groskopf, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. She notes that offering advice often serves to calm the giver more than to assist the receiver. Since trying to solve another's problems can be impossible, the focus should shift to helping them manage uncertainty. Groskopf suggests phrases like, "You might not need to have all the answers right now," to help the person acknowledge they can endure not knowing the outcome.
Making someone feel less alone is paramount. Short, sincere statements such as "That sounds hard," "That's a lot," or "That sucks" can convey empathy and let the person know they are not carrying their burden in isolation. Spotts-De Lazzer suggests the offer, "Can I sit with you in this for a minute, just so you're not alone?" as a way to be present without intruding.
Empowering the Individual
Therapists encourage positioning oneself to let the struggling person remain the expert on their own life. Empathetic responses like "It makes sense you feel that way" or "I can understand why you'd feel that way," according to licensed clinical social worker Mary McLaughlin of Vienna, Va., can precede curiosity-driven questions such as, "What comes to mind when you think about doing this?" This approach allows the individual to hear their own voice in their potential solutions.
McLaughlin recounts a client whose pain was amplified by others sharing what external experts or relatives had done about their spouse's Alzheimer's disease. The client felt as though their own considerations were being overlooked. To avoid making someone feel misunderstood, it is better to ask than to instruct.
Understanding Needs and Pacing
Assumptions about what kind of support is needed can be a misstep. Psychologist Melissa Gluck of New York advises asking directly: "I'm so here for you. What do you need? Do you want me to be in fix-it mode? Do you want me to just sit and listen?" While some individuals may not know what they need, others do and appreciate having their feelings validated.
Slowing down the interaction can also be beneficial. Groskopf explains that a "calm presence helps" through a process called co-regulation, where nervous systems synchronize. Alarmed reactions can inadvertently heighten anxiety, whereas steadiness communicates that emotions are manageable. Instead of offering immediate fixes, Gluck suggests curiosity-driven questions like, "It sounds like part of you already knows what you'd do—what's stopping you?" This prompts self-reflection and helps move the person forward.
Practical Support and Presence
McLaughlin suggests the blunt question, "Whose problem is this?" to ensure one doesn't overstep. Supporting someone can also involve tangible actions. Practical gestures like dropping off dinner, sending a gift card, or offering to help with childcare can alleviate immediate burdens. Gluck notes that people are often hesitant to ask for such help, making unsolicited offers particularly meaningful.
Ultimately, the goal is not to provide perfect advice but to demonstrate care. Spotts-De Lazzer emphasizes, "It's not about getting anything right. It's about demonstrating care."