Arguing via text message, a practice dubbed 'fexting,' may not be as detrimental to relationships as commonly believed, according to a review of 15 studies published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. The research, led by University of Montreal psychology professor Marie-Ève Daspe, compared face-to-face conflicts with digital ones across various platforms, including text, voice messages, email, instant messaging, video calls, and phone calls.
The findings revealed that no single communication method consistently yielded superior outcomes. While some studies indicated that in-person conversations led to better results, others highlighted unexpected benefits of digital communication. One advantage noted is the opportunity to avoid immediate, emotionally charged responses. This pause allows individuals to process information and formulate more considered replies, a preference shared by many clients of psychotherapist Kate Murphy.
"I hear clients say frequently that this works better for them, so they don’t say things they may later regret," Murphy, who was unaffiliated with the study, stated. She also noted that reviewing text exchanges later can help clarify misunderstandings and pinpoint where communication broke down, offering a valuable tool for reflection.
However, the study and experts acknowledge the drawbacks of digital communication, primarily the absence of nonverbal cues such as body language and tone of voice, which can lead to misinterpretation. Texting can also devolve into rapid-fire exchanges focused on 'winning' an argument rather than addressing the core issue, a phenomenon that can also occur in face-to-face disagreements when emotions escalate.
Daspe suggested that a multimodal approach, combining digital and in-person communication, might be the most effective strategy for navigating complex discussions. For instance, if a text conversation becomes too heated, it may be beneficial to pause and address the issue in person, especially when dealing with sensitive topics like hurt feelings or trust.
For minor disagreements, such as logistical misunderstandings about plans, a carefully managed text exchange, potentially enhanced with emojis, can be sufficient. Murphy offered advice for more constructive 'fexting': be mindful of the timing of texts, avoid responding when angry or emotionally activated, and follow up on more significant issues with in-person conversations to foster resolution and connection.
"When calmer, people can see more clearly where misunderstandings or communication broke down," Murphy said. "This can be particularly helpful within the context of couple or individual therapy. Our memory of who said what during an argument is not always reliable."