Seven Questions to Avoid When Speaking With Childfree Women
An experienced individual shares insights on intrusive questions often posed to women who have chosen not to have children.
Conversations about motherhood are a frequent occurrence, particularly as women age. For Jenny Holliday, a self-employed individual approaching 50, these discussions persist, shifting from inquiries about wanting children to whether she regrets not having them. Holliday, who is childfree by choice, notes that these questions can feel intrusive, especially when the individual's childfree status is not yet clear.
She highlights seven common remarks and questions that can be uncomfortable or offensive to women who do not have children:
"You're so lucky!" This comment, often made by mothers, can imply a perceived deficiency in the speaker's own life. Holliday counters that while there are indeed benefits to not having children, such as freedom from end-of-day stresses and work curfews, there are also missed opportunities, like the formation of community through school gates.
"Do you wish you'd had children?" This question's impact depends on the asker. While a close friend might engage in a nuanced discussion, for others, a simple "yes" could be deeply painful. Holliday suggests humor or deflecting the question to avoid causing hurt.
"Can you work over the holiday period?" This assumption of availability for childfree individuals can lead to schedules being made without regard for their personal time. Holliday points out that many childfree individuals have their own plans and preferences for their free time.
"What would you do if you became pregnant?" Holliday describes this as one of the most intrusive questions. She emphasizes that the decision to continue a pregnancy is a deeply personal one, and querying it is inappropriate.
"You might change your mind!" While reflective moments about alternative life paths are natural, for many, the decision to be childfree is firm. Holliday states that the time for changing her mind has passed, and she is at peace with her choice.
"But who will take care of you when you're older?" This practical concern is often met with lighthearted responses, such as training a pet, planning for paid care, or forming a supportive commune with friends. Holliday suggests having fun with this question.
"As a mum" or "being a mum is the best job in the world." Holliday finds these phrases, particularly when used in professional contexts or by celebrities, can imply that women without children are somehow less complete. She expresses sadness when mothers, especially those in successful careers, define themselves solely by motherhood, suggesting it diminishes their other accomplishments.