In a recent advice column, relationship counselor Caroline West-Meads addressed two sensitive personal dilemmas: whether retired parents should financially assist their struggling adult child, and how to leave an abusive marriage.
A couple, having recently retired comfortably after careers in finance, wrote to West-Meads seeking guidance on their youngest daughter's financial difficulties. The daughter and her husband, a nurse, have two young children and feel they will never be able to afford a home. While two of their other children are financially stable, the youngest is struggling. The parents disagree on whether to offer financial help, with the husband believing their children should be self-sufficient, as they were. The wife, however, feels her daughter might resent their affluent lifestyle and expressed annoyance at feeling guilty.
West-Meads acknowledged that the current economic climate, with high housing costs, childcare expenses, and student debt, presents significant challenges for young families. She noted that the daughter has not explicitly asked for money or criticized her parents' lifestyle, suggesting the feelings of guilt stem from the parents' awareness of their daughter's struggles. She advised that while the parents' own financial security is paramount and fairness to their other children is important, they should consider their ability to help without hardship. West-Meads suggested that cutting back on some luxuries might provide more pleasure than another holiday if they can offer some assistance.
The column also addressed a woman who has been married for 30 years to a verbally and sometimes physically abusive husband. The husband, who also bullied their now-grown children, has resorted to threats of suicide when his wife has considered leaving. The children are urging her to leave. The woman, who stayed to protect her children when they were younger, now realizes that doing so exposed them to his temper.
West-Meads described the situation as tragic and the described behavior as abuse. She reassured the woman that she is not to blame and that her past decisions were made with the intention of protecting her children. Regarding the suicide threats, West-Meads suggested they are likely a form of emotional blackmail intended to maintain control and are not a valid reason to stay in the marriage. She emphasized that the woman is entitled to a life free from bullying and intimidation and advised her to contact a domestic violence support organization for assistance in leaving safely.