Auj Fisher, a 30-year-old from Polk County, Oregon, has shared her story of overcoming alcohol addiction, which she initially turned to in an attempt to cope with postpartum anxiety and depression. Her turning point came when her four-year-old son questioned her drinking habits, prompting Fisher to make a lifelong promise to abstain from alcohol.
Fisher described how, for years, she believed alcohol was a coping mechanism for the mental health challenges following her son's birth. She would secretly drink before her family awoke, structure outings around alcohol availability, and hide empty bottles, all while maintaining the illusion of control.
Now nearly a year sober, Fisher hopes her experience will help other mothers recognize signs of addiction and seek help. She also aims to challenge misconceptions about alcohol within Native communities, drawing from her own family's history and intergenerational trauma.
Fisher traces her complex relationship with alcohol back to her childhood in Arizona, where drinking was a common part of adult life, associated with relaxation, celebrations, and social gatherings. While emphasizing that she felt loved and never experienced neglect, she realized as she grew that not all social environments centered around alcohol. This led her to question her own ingrained perception of drinking as a normal adult activity.
Her reliance on alcohol intensified after a high school traumatic brain injury, where she discovered it could numb emotional pain and quiet her thoughts, establishing a pattern of dependence.
A Difficult Pregnancy and Birth
Fisher stopped drinking when she became pregnant at age 24, believing she had broken free from alcohol. However, the birth of her son in the spring of 2021, during COVID-19 restrictions, proved traumatic. Limited to only her partner in the hospital and facing an emergency C-section, her son was born six weeks premature and immediately taken to the neonatal intensive care unit. Fisher was left alone in recovery for two hours, uncertain of her son's condition.
This experience triggered severe postpartum anxiety and depression. Overwhelmed by fear and a sense of bodily failure, she spent sleepless nights watching her son, trying to dull the intense emotions and fear that paralyzed her. At three months postpartum, she returned to alcohol, viewing it as the only way to quiet her racing thoughts.
"Taking the Edge Off"
What began as a means to alleviate anxiety quickly escalated into a dependency. Fisher explained that alcohol seemed to slow her thoughts, providing temporary relief from the pressures of motherhood, work, and daily life. She started drinking daily, convincing herself it made her calmer and more patient, a "happier version" of herself for her son. However, this led to increased secrecy, hiding bottles, and breaking daily promises to herself.
Her life increasingly revolved around alcohol. She began drinking before her family woke, planned outings based on alcohol availability, and even consumed drinks before massages or gym sessions, unable to imagine functioning without it. She estimates that nearly all her waking thoughts were consumed by alcohol.
Seeking Help and Recovery
By early 2024, Fisher's world had shrunk, dictated by the need to always have alcohol within reach. She no longer drank for enjoyment but out of necessity to feel normal. A family cruise, with unlimited drinks, exacerbated her dependence. Upon returning home, she experienced blackouts and woke in her son's bed with no memory, filled with guilt.
In September 2024, Fisher decided to seek help. An online advertisement for a sobriety tool led her to begin a medically supervised detox, which she described as an intensely difficult physical experience marked by constant sweating, shaking, anxiety, and sleep deprivation. She kept a stained shirt from this period as a reminder of her progress.
The mental battle of facing anxiety and stress without alcohol proved even more challenging. She realized that complete abstinence was necessary for her recovery.
A New Beginning
As weeks passed, the mental fog lifted, and Fisher began to feel like herself again. Nearly a year into sobriety, she has found that she never needed alcohol to be the mother she aspired to be. While challenges remain, the positive moments are now genuinely experienced rather than being escaped from.
Fisher is sharing her story to encourage others struggling with addiction, particularly mothers, to seek help without shame. She believes understanding historical trauma has aided her in making sense of her relationship with alcohol and breaking a cycle she does not want to pass on to her son. She emphasizes that recovery is difficult but possible, offering a path to experiencing life more fully.