Modern Manners: Navigating Etiquette in a Fast-Paced World

Navigating social interactions in the 21st century often feels more complex than in previous eras. From public transit to personal devices, instances of perceived rudeness are on the rise, with nearly half of Americans reporting an increase in impolite behavior since the COVID-19 pandemic. This shift has prompted discussions about the enduring importance of manners and how they adapt to contemporary life.

Kirsty Sedgman, a professor at the University of Bristol and author of On Being Unreasonable: Breaking the Rules and Making Things Better, argues that manners, while perhaps less rigidly enforced, remain crucial. "They encourage us to think about others and to behave in ways that are not antisocial and potentially even dangerous," Sedgman told Vox. She emphasizes the need for conversations that define public spaces in ways that benefit everyone without exclusion.

While some etiquette is straightforward, like not cutting in line, other aspects are more nuanced. Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and descendant of etiquette authority Emily Post, acknowledges that even experts aren't perfect. "I’m not saying that I know how to behave in every single circumstance and I’m always right. I’m no Emily Post," she quipped.

Emily Post's seminal work, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home, first published in the 1920s, reflected the standards of its time. Lizzie Post explains that her ancestor allowed for evolving norms, noting the significant societal changes between 1922 and 1960, such as the gradual disappearance of chaperones. This adaptability, Post suggests, is key to understanding etiquette's evolution.

Etiquette, often perceived as formal or exclusive, is fundamentally about social cohesion. "It can very easily have these connotations of being something that is about a secret society, or it’s only about formality, or it’s only for people who are very wealthy," Lizzie Post noted. "It can also start to feel a lot like judgment."

The Challenge of Digital Etiquette

The rapid pace of technological change presents unique etiquette challenges, particularly concerning mobile phones. A common annoyance is people using speakerphone or playing audio without headphones in public spaces, creating a disruption for those nearby. Post identifies this as a failure of mindfulness, where individuals become so engrossed in their personal device use that they forget their surroundings.

"There are definitely rules of courtesy and blaring anything out of your phone, whether it’s a phone call, it’s a FaceTime call, it’s your TikTok feed, or that movie that you’re watching, is all inappropriate when other people are a captive audience and haven’t asked to be," Post stated.

Correcting such behavior is difficult because people are often reluctant to confront others. Post suggests a judgment call based on the situation. For short encounters, like a brief metro ride, it might be best to let it slide. However, for longer durations, such as a flight, a polite request, such as "Hey, could you put some headphones on," can serve as a reminder of the impact on others. Post advises preparedness for potential defensiveness, acknowledging that while one can request consideration, controlling another's reaction is impossible.

The appropriate use of speakerphone involves acknowledging the presence of others. When using speakerphone at home, it is courteous to inform the person on the other end if other people are now in the vicinity, ensuring awareness of language used. Similarly, placing a phone face-up on a dinner table can be a distraction, drawing attention with every incoming notification. Post recommends putting phones away, silenced, to preserve the shared time.

When it comes to responding to text messages, Post believes timeliness depends on the content. Invitations to spend time together, whether from friends or potential romantic interests, should ideally be addressed promptly to show appreciation for the gesture. Understanding and clear communication are vital in maintaining social connections in the digital age.