Men often carry significant insecurities and questions about sex, frequently bringing them to therapists rather than their partners, according to sex therapists Camille Espinoza and Jericho Feng.
Traditionally, societal expectations place pressure on men to be sexual experts, initiating encounters and always being ready. This can lead to men feeling embarrassed to express uncertainty or ask questions about their sexual experiences.
“What I’ve noticed is that most of the things they’re embarrassed to ask about are actually very normal,” said Camille Espinoza, a certified sex therapist and licensed clinical social worker. “Men are rarely allowed to express uncertainty regarding their sexual experiences. They’re expected to automatically understand how to perform sexually, as if being unsure was some type of flaw in their masculinity.”
Jericho Feng, a therapist, notes that men often ask if they are "allowed" to discuss sex in therapy sessions. He emphasizes that these conversations reveal common curiosities and anxieties about partners' bodies and navigating the unknown aspects of sex, often stemming from conflicting societal messages.
"Most men express that they want to ‘have good sex’ and they want their loved one to feel good and strengthen their connection,” Feng added.
Performance and Partner Satisfaction
One prevalent question therapists hear is, “How do I know if she actually likes what I’m doing?” Sexologist Kiki Maree explains that female arousal and orgasm can be less outwardly obvious than male responses. This can lead to uncertainty, especially when coupled with the possibility of partners faking orgasms.
Maree advises against solely focusing on physical cues and instead encourages open communication. Asking direct questions like, “What feels really good to you right now?” or “What do you want more of?” can foster better understanding and intimacy.
Body Image and Self-Perception
Concerns about body image, particularly penis size, are also common. Espinoza states that questions like “Is my body normal?” are frequent, often fueled by unrealistic expectations set by pornography. However, therapists emphasize that penis size does not dictate sexual prowess. “Sex is much more than penetration,” Feng said. “Penis size does not determine whether someone can be a good sexual partner. A man with a smaller penis can be attentive, creative, exploratory and highly responsive to their partner.”
Therapists suggest focusing on adaptation, using toys, exploring different positions, and enhancing foreplay to create pleasure, rather than fixating on perceived shortcomings.
Use of Sex Toys
The question, “If she wants to use a vibrator, does that mean I’m not enough?” reflects an underlying fear of inadequacy. Maree reframes sex toys as tools that can enhance sensation without replacing intimacy, attraction, or connection. The goal, she states, is pleasure, not competition with a toy.
Feng suggests viewing toys as ways to expand sexual possibilities. Regular sexual check-ins with a partner can facilitate introductions to new experiences and ensure that conversations about experimentation occur proactively, not just when issues arise.
Desire Discrepancies
Men may also feel embarrassed if their sex drive differs from their partner's. The societal script often implies men should always desire sex and never turn it down. This can lead to worry that lower desire indicates a medical issue, a lack of attraction, or a deficiency in masculinity.
Espinoza reassures men that desire fluctuates due to various factors like stress, sleep, aging, and medications, and that spontaneous desire is not always present. She notes that most men are surprised to learn that not always wanting sex is normal.
Exploring Different Dynamics and Fantasies
Some men are hesitant to express desires for submissiveness, being praised, or being penetrated, fearing it may challenge their masculinity or sexual orientation. Maree asserts that sexual behaviors do not define personality. Enjoying certain acts or desiring specific dynamics does not determine one's sexual orientation or imply a lack of control in other areas of life.
Questions about a partner's fantasies, especially if they involve others or different scenarios, can also be a source of anxiety. Therapists encourage curiosity about the erotic elements of a fantasy rather than interpreting it as a critique of the relationship or oneself. “The fear is often that fantasy is secretly a review of the relationship,” Maree explained.
Regarding requests inspired by pornography, like “Will you do that with me?” Feng acknowledges the shame men can feel when articulating these desires. However, he believes discussing porn preferences can be informative, offering insights into a partner's desires beyond conventional sexual scripts. Ultimately, understanding a partner's desires enhances sexual confidence and leads to a more fulfilling sexual connection.