Marriage Mistakes Couples Make Without Realizing It, According to Sex Therapist

Maintaining a strong marital connection requires ongoing effort, and couples can inadvertently make mistakes that weaken their bond without realizing it, according to sex therapist Tammy Nelson.

Nelson, a board-certified sexologist and integrative relationship therapist, identified five common marriage mistakes that can lead to a decline in relationship satisfaction. These range from losing curiosity about a partner to avoiding difficult conversations and keeping feelings of connection to oneself.

Losing Curiosity

One significant mistake is the loss of curiosity about a partner, Nelson explained. "That’s how we fall in love, when someone's curious about us," she said. "When they come along and say, 'I'm so interested in you. I'm curious about you.'" As couples settle into routines, they may feel they know everything about each other, overlooking that preferences and interests can evolve over time. Nelson advises couples to stay curious, ask questions, and discover who their partner is becoming to avoid this pitfall, noting that a lack of curiosity can make outside attention more appealing.

Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Failing to engage in difficult conversations and neglecting to notice what remains unsaid can also create problems. Nelson cautioned that couples who avoid conflict may be more vulnerable than those who disagree openly. "It's not the people who fight and communicate all the time — it's the people who aren't fighting, aren't arguing, aren't communicating," she stated. She encourages couples to identify topics that cause them to withdraw, such as finances or intimacy, and instead make an effort to discuss them, even if uncomfortable.

Focusing on Sexual Complaints

When discussing sex, focusing on complaints rather than what is working can hinder intimacy. Nelson suggests that the key is to share what is working and what is appreciated, rather than highlighting what a partner is not doing. "The key to the universe is, you get more of what you would appreciate," she said. She recommends couples build upon positive aspects of their sex life, whether current or from the past, by expressing appreciation and what they would like more of.

Maintenance Mode Over Expansion

Another common error is allowing daily responsibilities to overshadow opportunities for growth and excitement within the relationship. Nelson distinguishes between "maintenance mode," which involves managing everyday tasks, and "expansion mode," which involves trying new things together. While maintenance is essential, an imbalance can lead to boredom and a feeling of being stuck. Conversely, too much expansion without adequate connection can also be detrimental. Nelson emphasizes the need for both freedom and connection in a relationship.

Withholding Feelings of Connection

Couples may miss opportunities for connection by not expressing their feelings of affection toward their partner. Nelson encourages individuals to identify and share positive emotions and physical sensations experienced when thinking about their partner. She suggests placing a hand on one's heart or stomach to pinpoint these feelings and communicating them to the partner, as such expressions can be highly meaningful.

Research published in the journal Family Process indicates that improvements in communication and emotional safety are linked to greater relationship satisfaction. Nelson's advice underscores the importance of continuous attention, curiosity, and a commitment to ongoing discovery within a marriage.