A long-standing marital issue and a dispute over funeral arrangements are the subjects of advice from agony aunt Caroline West-Meads.
One reader is contemplating her 40-year marriage, approaching its anniversary with a celebration her husband has proposed. However, she harbors deep-seated doubts about his fidelity from early in their marriage. Two years in, shortly after the birth of their first son and during a six-week training course for a better-paid job, her husband admitted a female colleague had 'pestered' him and he had been 'tempted.' He insisted nothing happened, but this has continued to trouble the reader, leading her to feel contempt for her husband and question her love for him. She states she stayed in the marriage for security and contemplates how to proceed, even questioning if she wants to remain in the relationship.
West-Meads suggests that if the reader's primary concern was avoiding the party, she could suggest a quiet holiday or an alternative expenditure. However, she acknowledges the reader's underlying issue is far more significant: coming to terms with 40 years in a marriage with someone she no longer loves. The agony aunt points out that the reader's contempt may stem from more than just suspicions of infidelity, suggesting deeper issues may exist and that the husband's claim of being 'pestered' might indicate an unwillingness to take responsibility.
West-Meads recommends counseling to help the reader decide on her future, whether alone or jointly with her husband if he is willing to discuss past issues honestly. The counselor emphasizes that ending a 40-year marriage would be daunting, but spending remaining years in an unloving marriage could be even harder.
In a separate query, a reader seeks advice on helping her brother who is distraught over their late father's funeral. Their father, described as an angry and authoritarian man, died two months prior. As executors of his will, the reader and her brother wanted him cremated, but their stepmother insisted on burial, which took place without the father's explicit instructions.
West-Meads offers sympathy for the loss and acknowledges the difficulty of grieving a complicated parent. She suggests that the brother's distress is likely a manifestation of grief for years of difficult closeness and the loss itself. She advises bereavement support for the brother and reassures both siblings that they did not fail their father, highlighting that finding a way to love him despite past difficulties and having his children's love in his later years are what ultimately matter.